Bear Flag Blog

I've been reading a bit recently about the early Christian church, inspired (in an odd twist) by my adoption of "eremite" and "cenobite" as alterna-curse-words. If my three year old hears me call some dimwit on the freeway an "eremitic cenobite" and repeats the epithet at day care, well, that's just fine.

Yes, I know "eremitic cenobite" is an oxymoron.

Anyway, I realized that although my Biblical knowledge is a little deeper than that of the average bear, I couldn't actually name the twelve apostles. Can you? In fact, did you know that there are actually thirteen apostles? Or maybe even fourteen? After Judas Iscariot died, the other eleven chose a fellow named Matthias to fill out the group. Additionally, Saul/Paul got epiphanied in post-Jesu, despite missing all the pre-crucifixion team-building exercises. So he's an apostle in some accounts. Opinions differ.

But let's stick to the other, original twelve. Because they share names with the gospels they wrote, everyone is familiar with Matthew, Mark (who isn't in fact an apostle), Luke (also not an apostle), and John. So that's, er, two. And of course there's Judas and Saint Peter and there's a Thomas in there somewhere. But who else?

Well, turns out that first-century BC parents were no more imaginative than current parents, and a quarter of the apostles are duplicates. There are two James' - known as 'James the Greater' and 'James the Less', which you might suspect would lead to some bitterness - and two Simons, and two Judas'... that's right! Two guys named Judas! Sucks to be the other one, eh?

So of course what with all this duplication people have largely wound up resorting to nicknames. Jesus Himself handed out the first one, giving Simon bar Jonah the nickname Peter, meaning 'rock'. That's right, the primus inter pares of the apostles went by the moniker "The Rock". Insert jokes about smelling what's cooking.

Then there's Andrew (Peter's brother), John, James (the greater), Philip, Bartholomew - and Bartholomew is interesting, because in some sources he's called Nathanael, although it's possible Nathanael might be someone else - Matthew - who is sometimes also thought to be referred to as Levi, though here again that might be someone else - Thomas (known to posterity as "doubting Thomas"), James (the less - and here again, James the Less may actually be someone else, a third James in fact), Simon number two, generally known as Simon the Zealot, Judas Iscariot, and finally the Judas who was Not Judas Isacariot. The Other Judas is generally known as Jude, another version of the same name, or - more confusingly - Thaddeus.

In short: Peter (Simon), Andrew, John, James the Greater, Philip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, James the Less, Simon the Zealot, Judas Iscariot, and Jude.

A lot of the discrepancies are why I find this sort of study so fascinating. We have very imperfect source material, transmitted with varying degrees of accuracy over centuries, most of the early sources long since lost. So of course we wind up with names that might refer to the same person or different people entirely, lists that mostly but not entirely agree with each other, numbers that don't always add up, extrapolations made by people centuries after the event...

I also like the many names, especially the nicknames. When I was in high school one of my circle of friends had two Jims in it. So one of them went by 'Jim', and the other, 'Boner'. Yes, you snigger, but it was a friendly nickname, and no one meant anything perjorative by it. Boner was just Boner, it didn't mean anything because no one made it mean anything.

Anyway, I can picture the apostles hanging around like that. "Hey Rock, you want a lavash? Phil and Little James are going to the market." "Naw, I have to finish this letter. Judas, you want anything?" "I'm Thaddeus now, dammit!"

Could be the basis for a good sitcom, except of course they all (save John) got martyred.