Comparative Reality

Our dishwasher is almost dead. At this point, it just sprays some water towards the dishes, and does a half-assed job of that. Any specks of food on the plates will remain on the plates. And since this appliance came with the house, one can safely assume that it was one of the cheapest models the contractors could acquire. So, really, it's pretty impressive that it's lasted nine years.

So we went to buy a new one. And that one turned out to be just under 1/4" too tall. Since I didn't want to either tear up the floor or break away the countertop, we selected another model. Which should arrive in a few weeks.

But the washer and dryer came a few days later.

...

You walk into an appliance store, and it's full of nice, new appliances that are so much better than the crap you have in your house. And we've been looking at our PG&E bills, and wondering what the hell is using so much damned electricity. And that would be the washer and dryer.

But let's get to the point: The old dryer was connected to the vent by one of those metal-foil hoses. Which, according to the manual that came with the new dryer, are EVIL and WRONG and will cause your house to BURN DOWN. Use only RIGHTEOUS all-metal hose...things. Connectors. Whatever.

Wanting to avoid such a calamity, I dragged the family to the hardware store, asked someone in their appliance section about vent hoses, and the nice employee said, "Here. Buy this one." Which, fortunately, was exactly what I wanted. "They make me sell this kind," he said, scorn dripping from every word as he pointed to the foil-on-spring type, the same type that currently connected my dryer to the outside world, and which was going to KILL US ALL.

"But this is the one you want. That kind is just cheap foil; this one is all metal. And it costs a dollar more!"

It's not often that a pushy store employee pushes you in exactly the direction you want to go.

The problem with vent hoses is that you need to install them. Because what you're doing is connecting a hose to two pipes...and everything is the same diameter. So I had to get one end of the hose onto the pipe sticking out of the dryer, and the difference in size can be measured in microns. And then I had to do the same with the other end of the hose, connecting it to the hole in the wall that will vent the exhaust to the outside world.

And I had to do all of this in the very small amount of space that I was able to create by shoving the washing machine as far as possible to one side, and pulling the dryer out as far as possible. And while doing that, I realized exactly why it took two guys to install the things, and they were spraying the floor with something that made it slick.

So I'm lying between two large machines of inflexible construction, trying to fit one circle onto another circle of almost-but-not-quite the same size. One fit with a minimum of cursing, but the other end tore on the jagged exterior pipe (thanks again, contractors!). The metal hose is actually an expandable spiral of metal, so you can't just tear a section off (and, in fact, the package warns against cutting it at all). No, you need to chomp through the metal, but I had a handy Leatherman tool with me, and the wire cutting area of the pliers got through it well enough. But then, of course, I have a hose with jagged metal bits studding the end I need to work with.

Somehow, I managed to complete the task with far less bloodshed than I had dared to hope. I finally emerged from betwixt the machines, with an air of triumph and secure in the knowledge that at least the metal hose probably wouldn't catch on fire, even if the dryer did. Also, I enjoyed being able to take a normal breath, and the entertaining sensation of watching the blackness recede from the edges of my vision.

But you know what? Screw the Olympics. And those TV shows, where normal people are supposed to push some steroidal mutants off a beam before they get bashed into a pulp? Child's play. A real contest would be Timed Dryer Vent Installation: You have five minutes, a stiff metal vent hose, and an inconveniently-sized screwdriver. Points are deducted for profanity. Go!