Rekiwi's Blog

Newsflash, people!

If you don't use the entire packet of sugar (Holy shit! An entire packet of sugar? Hold it right there Diabetes Boy!), or the whole packet of non-dairy creamer, or you don't want to finish that belly-busting 1-oz sack of Cool Ranch Doritos, throw it away.

Yes. You read right. THROW IT the fuck AWAY.

Why would I ask that you spite Mother Earth so?

Because after you open the package and place the hymen-busted thing back in the basket, its fate lies along several paths:

1. Some unfortunate grabs another package and, not expecting some fuckwit to have left an open bag in the basket, showers sugar/creamer/Doritos all over the counter and floor.
2. Vermin have a little party with your leavings and either shit on the counter or swarm such that the building manager feels the need to hose down the entire kitchen with bug spray. If you're lucky, one of the melodramatic cunts you work with has a reaction to the fumes and paramedics are called. Nothing like psychosomatic anaphylaxis to spice up the day.
3. A thoughtful, considerate coworker tosses your handiwork before any damage is done and then curses your fucking name to Hell. Cocksucker.

Do you really think your coworkers walk into the kitchen saying to themselves "I feel like corn chips. In fact, I feel like a half-bag of Fritos fondled by someone with questionable personal hygiene and aged for who knows how long to a chewy, oily goodness."

Oh, I'm sorry. I just made a huge, unwarranted assumption there. You can't actually think. You barely have two neurons to rub together in that vacuum-packed excuse for a skull on your shoulders.

Why do you do it? What are your motivations?

Is shaking that entire packet of creamer into your morning coffee somehow indulgent? Naughty? Like strapping a gallon jug of on-tap Astroglide to your headboard? You bad, bad girl.

Or is it that you just can't be bothered to turn and take a step to the trash can? In that case, how can you face breathing every single morning? Please don't. You're stealing valuable oxygen.

Or maybe you can't condone wasting that eighth teaspoon of sugar? Face it, asshole. Just by taking a shower this morning, scarfing that bowl of high-fiber Twiggs 'n' Shit with expeller-pressed soy milk and evaporated cane juice (fuck!), and commuting to work in your Acura MDX mid-size fucking SUV, you are butt-raping Mother Earth with a pitchfork and dumping her on the side of the road into an ice-rimed culvert to bleed to death of severe rectal trauma.

So please. Please. Either use the stuff or toss it... or jump into a pit of hungry crocodiles.

My sanity is in the balance here, people.