Rekiwi's Blog

We spent a couple of weeks in New Zealand at the beginning of May.

My wife stumbled on some great air fares and we decided to go, almost on a whim.

It'd been 20+ years since we'd been last, my wife on a soccer trip and me on a visit-the-family-before-they-all-die trip, and I wanted to introduce the land of my mom's birth to my kids. Plus, my aunt and uncle offered a place to crash on the West Coast.

I could engage the lit. major vocabulary in an attempt to convey how wonderful NZ is. Instead, I'm going to cop out and draw up a list impressions and events.

...

1. The luck of the draw won us a Spaceship minivan camper named Jar Jar. We could've driven Tardis, Firefly, or even Luke around NZ. But, no. Friggin' Jar Jar.
2. Stroked a big ol' longfin eel. A NZ exclusive. Huge, freaky, and slimy.
3. You can tell you're in another country when you hit the potato chip aisle. Canada has its ketchup-flavored chips. NZ has lamb 'n' mint.
4. Hokey pokey ice cream just rocks.
5. Speaking of aisles, I noticed that markets had aisles for crumpets. Our one splurge overnight stay featured crumpets. Crumpets are awesome.
6. Fed wallabies at the Willowbank Wildlife Reserve in Christchurch. Perfect for travelers straight off the 13-hour flight.
7. For all their talk of "no nukes" this and greenify that, NZ is the land of no rubbish bins. Everywhere you might find trashcans in the States, in NZ you'll find... nothing.
8. Oh, and coal smoke. Way down at the bottom of the world, coal fuels NZ's independence. On chilly evenings, small rural valleys turn grey with coal smoke. 19th-century London lives on.
9. Watched tiny blue penguins climb the rocks to their burrows with a spectacular lightning storm as a backdrop.
10. Chowed down on bruschetta in a swanky and not-quite-open restaurant with storm-driven waves smashing against a sea wall as a backdrop (the same storm that provided the lightning and that inspired many penguins to return to hang out in their burrows).
11. Climbed around the Elephant Rocks near Oamaru. They featured as Aslan's camp in The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Absolutely stunning and the best place yet to play hide and seek.
12. Nearly all the petrol stations have the same price for fuel. There's no shopping around for a better price per liter. And you'll make the full-service attendant uncomfortable if you offer a tip.
13. NZ rolls up the streets at about 7 pm. If you need a drink or a bite to eat, you might get lucky in the larger towns. Otherwise, you'll have wait until tomorrow.
14. Not many people go camping in Glentunnel in late fall.
15. Kiwis are passionate about their sport. Rugby is a religion.
16. Kiwi women compete internationally in a sport called netball, which looks like basketball with no dribbling and no backboards. Apparently, it originated in the United States from basketball. It's a funny old world.
17. Under the swing bridge near Crushington on the Inangahua River is the best place in the world to skip stones.
18. Horses eat apples whole and you need to be careful your fingers don't get in the way. Sheep nibble gamely at apples. Chickens don't like being nailed by stale-bread Frisbees.
19. All sinks and basins have separate hot and cold taps, and the hot water is nearly supercritical.
20. There is still room for the small dairyman to make a decent living.
21. Dairy cows are not pets.
22. NZ is the land of the meat pie and the sausage roll. My arteries groan with the strain.
23. Most gents' toilets feature a urinal with a step up.
24. It is OK to feature horses fucking to sell candy bars.
25. The pancake rocks and blowholes at Punakaiki are worth the trip.
26. Truman Beach near Punakaiki is a gorgeous little spot.
27. Sandflies are evil devilspawned little bastards.
28. If ketchup is ketchup and tomato sauce is ketchup, then what is that red stuff you put on your pasta?
29. Lawyers and liability insurance haven't crushed NZ yet. The playgrounds are remarkably varied and are chock full of breathtakingly fun playstuff like zip lines, steep, long slides, and cool tentacle-go-rounds. Check this video for a taste, especially at 2:42: Playground in Wellington's Botanic Gardens
30. All the holiday park kitchen blocks feature gallons of instant boiling water so you can drink as much tea as possible.
31. The best place to see a kiwi is at the Kiwi House and Native Bird Park in Otorohanga.
32. Kiwis are giant, vicious animals with spear-like beaks and huge clawed feet.
33. Most cuts of pork in the markets feature a big hunk of fat with skin still attached.
34. You had no idea there were so many varieties of bacon and none of them look like any bacon you've ever seen, Canadian or otherwise.
35. The glowworm caves around Waitomo are just mind blowing.
36. The black sand beach at Kiritehere is like soft plastic asphalt.
37. NZ withdrawal is a bitch.