Columnist for Friday, 1/19 - Cindy

Free At Last, Free At Last.

So one day, people decided to just chuck government all together. Government's bad, right? So we just told them to kiss off, and they packed their bags and left.

The next day, a big guy named Lenny showed up at my house with a baseball bat. Before I knew what was happening, he beat me senseless and took all my money. But I showed him -- I hired an even bigger guy named Bruce for only half the money Lenny would have stolen, and he agreed to beat up Lenny if he ever came near my house again.

Then Lenny figured out that if he agreed to split my loot with another guy, he could show up with a friend and beat up both Bruce and me and still make a profit. But before this could put Bruce out of business, he hired three friends who weren't quite so tough but could still whip Lenny and his pal.

Pretty soon, though, this was getting too costly for me to afford, and since I didn't really need around the clock protection anyway, my neighbor started helping out with the payments in exchange for sharing Bruce's services. Sure, Bruce eventually raised his rates, but I told him to shove off and hired Lenny to protect me from Bruce. Which was nice because he charged less and even apologized for the whole baseball bat thing.

Before long, though, Lenny hired a bunch more tough guys and was protecting practically everyone. Business got so big he had to hire some really smart guys just to handle all the money, and pretty soon after that I decided it would be safer to let them handle my money too. I mean, Bruce might outfox Lenny someday, and the way Lenny's money guys handle it, they give you back more money than you give them! Beats me how they do it, but it's totally great.

Eventually, I hired Lenny's sister to teach my kids, but then she wouldn't shut up about all this hocus-pocus religious crap, so I sent them over to Bruce's cousin Shirley who did a better job. And Bruce won't touch them because he cut a deal with Lenny's money guys. Things started getting really complicated after that, and everybody working with Bruce and Lenny decided to dump all the baseball bat stuff and just cast votes for friends of Bruce and Lenny who make all the big decisions for us.

Sure, I hate most of the decisions they make, and I always end up voting for a total jackoff because I like him only slightly better than the other total jackoff.

But at least we finally got rid of all that government crap.

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