Betsy Shebang - Column for 11/13

HIRE ME OR ELSE

Clyde Densmore
13 Washington Street
Brooklyn, NY 11238


OBJECTIVE: A temporary position involving data entry, explosives, or small children.

HIGHLIGHTS OF QUALIFICATIONS:
o Skilled at communication.
o Skilled at forcing others to communicate.
o Familiar with numerous software packages and intimidation techniques.
o Able to forsee and resolve problems quickly while returning fire.
o Type 57 wpm.
o Dresses snappy.
o Proven record of reliability. (See below, "Drug Convictions".)
o Extensive managerial experience.
o Detail-oriented.
o I'm holding your daughter.
o Wide variety of disguises.
o Willing to live in office when necessary.

RELEVANT SKILLS AND EXPERIENCE:
Computer/Technical:
o Extensive experience with computer security systems.
o Familiar with various timing devices.
o Can get cable TV at half price.

Customer relations:
o Dealt directly with thousands of frustrated or dissatisfied customers.
o Delivered information from superiors to clients with only minor property damage.
o Had six women in one night in 1993.
o I'm not lying! SIX!!

WORK HISTORY

DATES
ORGANIZATION
POSITION HELD
3/93 - 9/97
Community Relations Department, Big Ed's Furniture
'n' Financial Services,
Las Vegas NV
Munitions Expert
10/96 - 1/97
Charles Shipley Corporation,Champaign, IL
Party Planner
10/95 - 9/96
Hooters Bar & Grill, Tampa, FL
Frequent guest
11/92 - 11/95
Macdonald's restaurant, Santa Cruz, CA
Target for psychological abuse


EDUCATION: Bachelor's Degree, Theater Arts, University of California at Santa Cruz, 1992

REFERENCES

C. Manson
Pelican Bay State Penitentiary
California

J. Gotti
New York, NY

D.L. Roth
Hollywood, CA

 


Copyright 2001 Betsy Shebang

Columns by Betsy Shebang