Betsy Shebang - Column for 4/30
Chapter 16
We all stood there for a pretty long time, just looking back and forth at each other, at the car, at the horizon, at the road, at the sky, and at each other again. It started to feel really stupid after a few minutes, but we didn’t know what else to do. Finally Shauna turned and wandered away from Eugene and the car. She didn’t even walk toward the road - just into the desert. After maybe thirty feet she stopped and stood there, facing away from us. I tried to call out to her without shouting. "Shauna, what are you doing?"
She didn’t bother to turn around. "I’m praying. Leave me the fuck alone."
Maybe half an hour later we were all sitting against the car, on the shady side, watching the road. Eugene sat between Shauna and me, and now he was the only one who felt like talking, which seemed like a big enough change that I started to wonder if this experience might turn out to be really good for him, assuming we survived.
"Toby, did you have any invisible friends growing up?" he asked.
"I was raised Catholic. I had an invisible parole officer." I kept watching the horizon, not moving at all if I didn’t have to.
Shauna was typically irritated at me. "Do you gotta make jokes about everything?"
"I wasn’t joking."
"So would you still call yourself Catholic?" she asked, more calmly.
"It’s in remission."
"So you’re no longer Catholic?"
"Well, it’s not like you just stop being Catholic. All you can do is...suppress it for a while."
I wasn’t sure if I should ask her what I was wondering. I did. "So, were you really praying back there?"
"Yes I was."
"What were you asking for?"
"You mean what was I thinking?"
"Yeah."
"Isn’t that kinda personal?"
"I didn’t think it would hurt to ask," I said. "Sorry."
We stared at the road another few minutes. It felt like Shauna and I were still arguing, even though nobody said anything. Finally Eugene asked my question again, more tactfully. "Shauna, what does praying accomplish for you?" It was like he was just learning the skill of abstract, superficial, polite conversation. I couldn’t help smiling, I was suddenly so proud of him.
"It’s not like I do it really often."
I leaned over Eugene to speak to Shauna, trying to make my new, better mood as audible in my voice as possible. "See, what I find strange is that you were praying, like it’s going to accomplish anything, but you criticized me by calling me an optimist for going on this trip." Suddenly I was angry again. A little. I sat back again and turned my eyes to the road.
She leaned over Eugene to look at me, looking self-righteously confused. "What do you mean?"
"I just mean maybe it pisses you off so much that I’m an optimist because you wish you could be an optimist yourself."
"Toby, it pisses me off that you’re an optimist because we’re stuck in the desert next to a broken car because you’re a fucking optimist."
"Well, it wasn’t my idea that you come, you know."
"I know." Shauna turned away from Eugene and myself. Suddenly I felt sortof bad for reminding her whose decision it was.
Again, we all stared off at the horizon in silence. I really wanted to be anywhere but there. Several minutes passed. "Eugene, do you ever pray?" I asked. I was surprised that my voice came out very quiet, and shaky.
"No," he said.
"Do you still do that thing you do, walking in the circle?"
"Not really."
"Weren’t you doing it back at the hotel room?"
Eugene took a deep breath. "I’ve tried some stuff, but it hasn’t had any effect in a long time. It’s kinda stupid."
"Have you ever thought of yourself as religious?"
"Not really."
We were silent for another minute, until Eugene continued. I thought he was done.
"The best way to describe it is to say I believe in The Force."
"Like, from Star Wars?" I asked.
Eugene’s voice got a little louder and sharper. "Star Wars is the only movie to ever take religion seriously without trying to change the audience’s minds about anything."
"Huh," I said.
"It’s just the idea I’m talking about. I’m not saying the movie is real or anything. It’s not like I saw Top Gun and ran out and joined the military."
I wanted to say something back, but I didn’t know what it was. I wondered if Shauna looked disappointed, now that Eugene had fully emerged from the geek closet. I couldn’t see her.
"Not everybody gets it when I talk about it," he said.
"Actually, it kinda makes sense to me," I suggested. I’m not sure if I meant it or I just wanted to make Eugene feel less defensive. He didn’t say anything else about it.
Copyright 2002 Betsy Shebang
Columns by Betsy Shebang