Columnist for Tuesday, 5/22 - Betsy Shebang

The New Child Catalogue

You want the very best for your child. You're determined to expose your newborn to Shakespeare, Steinbeck, Hemingway; yet you worry your little one may toddle tragically into the hot tub while you're busy selecting a private college. Every defective baby's block and primitive ABC book threatens your infant's success.

For this growing generation, we offer the New Child Catalogue. The advantage will go to those families with the latest in child-rearing technology, and who better than your precious boy or girl to start a young life on the optimum side of that widening chasm? Browse through our Spring collection and see for yourself. The New Child Catalogue. Because your baby isn't the only thing that needs changing (TM).

Order by item number and have credit card ready:

75011-LI The "Li'l Inmate" Safety Crib and Infant Rehabilitation Compound - Hours of freedom for you, and hours of safe, harmless time for your toddler to mull over those careless indiscretions of infancy that led him to this sorry place. He'll be out of that "picky-eater" phase in no time at all! Optional attachments include cheerful conformity-building motivational posters and a colorful mobile of favorite toys suspended just out of reach. Strict compliance to future parental decrees guaranteed by manufacturer. The "Newborn Correction" movement is gathering force in the nation - don't let your family be left behind!

57337-PR Winnie-The-Pooh Padded Restraint System - Time was when raising a toddler meant choosing between infant safety and unfettered storage of toxic compounds in your kitchen shelves. With the busy lifestyle of today's working parent, however, comes the overdue introduction of psychiatric hospital technology into the hands of those who need it most. Adjustable belts in mood-relaxing pastel colors allow the strapping down of whichever active little limbs have been most efficiently exploring the dangerous worlds inside the cabinets and underneath your sinks. Also available with Barney, Teletubbies or Jack Nicholson motif.

37789-RP Roly-Poly Baby Thermos Snowsuit/Swim-vest/Backpack/Bobsled Combo - Keep your precious one hot or cold in any weather with this unique cross-training baby carrier and fashion jumpsuit, perfect for the active infant on the go. Just fill the inner bladder-suit with hot or cold water, close the seal and your toddler will maintain an even temperature for hours of summer or winter activity. Going for a swim? Suit floats with head upright even in heavy surf. Headed for the snow? Detachable skis lock onto your child's feet for early introduction to this popular sport. Water pressure inside the suit keeps your child upright and immobile for perfect standing balance at any exciting speed. Suit can be stored in freezer or microwaved for a last-minute Winter outing. With convenient carry handle. Doubles as a child safety seat or adult motorcycle helmet. Not to be used as a lifesaving device when containing child.

87235-BF Musical Baby Feeder keeps the toddlers of the neighborhood well-nourished with a storage capacity of three quarts. Just hang it on the porch, open your curtains and enjoy the antics of eager infants lured by the soothing sounds of classical music and the aroma of strained bananas. Available musical selections: Debussy, Strauss, Traditional Americana, Cajun Zydeco. Runs on 16 AA batteries, not included.

54563-WS The Woody Allen/Dr. Seuss Collection - The youth of the world can finally delight in this exciting, recently discovered collaboration between beloved children's book author Dr. Seuss and famed humorist Woody Allen, favorite filmmaker of the cultural and intellectual elite of Manhattan. Included are the instant favorites "Green Eggs and Anxiety", "Horton Hears From Her Lawyer", and the learning-to-count classic "Bartholemew Cubbins and Six Women Who Didn't Understand His 500 Hats". Act soon and receive the bonus holiday classic "How The Grinch Stole My Girlfriend".

85666-VB "Voices From Beyond" Sleeper/Rattle Combo - Inspired by decades of paranormal research and generations of advertisements showing giddy infants clearly proclaiming "I love my new panty brief diaper set! Thank you mommy!" with the eerie eloquence of university-trained minds, the new Voices From Beyond Footed Seance Sleeper and Ouija Rattle Set will summon forth not only your baby's first earthly words but also, through your precious child's lips, the mysterious otherworldly voices of beloved long-dead celebrities and other damned souls trapped in the space between worlds. Long-standing questions about historic events and the nature of the world beyond will be answered by your little one long before she meets the numbing, corrupting influence of other children. Celebrity voices currently available: Judy Garland, Orson Welles, Lon Chaney, Jim Backus.

Copyright 2001 Besty Shebang

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