Cindy - Column for 1/18
I Want My GTV.
So there's been some discussion lately over the creation of an All-Gay television network. Let's call it GTV. Should this get beyond the planning stages, I predict GTV will follow this course:
As soon as it is announced, the Professionally Uptight will throw a major tizzy, and launch the following objections:
- First, they will fight to make sure their local cable providers don't provide it. Don't you dare! They'll say. You will be corrupting the minds of CHILDREN. Didn't you hear them? CHILDREN.
- Next, they will insist that if it is provided, it should at least be a premium channel. Why, they wouldn't want their hard earned tax dollars going towards the portrayal of perverts living normal lives. Oh, damn, those aren't really tax dollars, are they? Well they're regulated by government agencies, so somehow, some taxes must be paying for that filth.
- Should GTV get beyond this hurdle, and make it to the same channel package status as "Nick at Nite", there will be an uproar that it should be blocked individually for those houses that don't ask for it. Some houses don't have TVs capable of blocking specific channels, see, and couldn't the cable companies just not send that channel out to people who don't request it? Upon realizing that this would give viewers the ability to automatically block cash cows like the Home Shopping Network and generally decide on their own choice of channel lineup, the cable execs would immediately get on their super-miniaturized hands-free video cell phones, and bounce a signal off a satellite announcing to the world that no, the technology simply isn't available yet.
- As a last resort, the Professionally Uptight would be forced to privately snicker and gossip about the sexual orientation of anyone who watches any programming on GTV.
Once on television, however:
- There will be an immediate cheer by throngs of well meaning liberals of all sexual orientations. This is the greatest triumph ever, and we are all one step closer to true equality. Why, instead of watching Bill and Carol's adventures in dopey domestic sitcom bliss, we would instead be watching Ron and Steve. Oh, that Ron. Never listening to Steve's advice. He should have just called a plumber!
- Quickly, anyone in liberal circles who isn't at least aware of major programs on GTV will become slightly suspect. At least, they'll be unable to keep up in conversation with their more civilized friends. Certain allowances will still be made for those playing the classic trump card: "Oh, we just don't watch TV. But I was listening to NPR the other night..."
- Having realized that the largest hurdle (getting on cable programming in the first place) is out of the way, GTV will decide to start running more explicitly sexual programming. Like the rest of the television world, it will still be all-tease and no follow-through, but it will be enough to draw ire from the Right, generating a tremendous amount of free publicity and higher ratings.
- GTV will create a runaway hit show. Hilariously funny, well written, occasionally poignant and politically savvy. It will transcend stereotypes, and bring in a viewing audience from a wide range of demographics. The producers of GTV, upon receiving this information, will begin altering their programming and advertising to appeal to a mixed audience.
- A small uproar will ensue in various politically charged magazines, accusing GTV of having "sold out". The rest of the world will continue on, oblivious.
- Even more explicit shows featuring lesbian characters will begin appearing late at night. The advertising will begin to include phone sex services and "girls gone wild" videos. With completely straight faces, the producers will insist that the shows are still intended for audiences of all sexual orientations.
- GTV2 will be announced. All gay sex, all the time. Only available in New York, San Francisco, and Los Angeles.
- After all this the Europeans will STILL say we've got sticks up our asses.
Columns by Cindy