Breaking Up: Your Best Entertainment Value
Dear Cant Readers,
Although I myself am old and grizzled and happily married, I'm aware that I have an audience of thousands of young readers who look to me for advice when it comes to affairs of the heart. I've received your letters, the "art" photos you've taken of yourselves, and of course my handlers have had to discourage those of you who've located my personal estate and attempted to parlay this into a more intimate relationship. I appreciate all the attention, really, but I'm just a writer -- you don't need to make me out to be a God or anything.
Anyhow, many of you out there have written to me for advice regarding affairs of the heart. In particular, you've found yourselves in relationships that you consider less than ideal. Sometimes there's a deep, spiritual connection between two souls the likes of which the world has never seen, only he's an inch too short, or her bust isn't firm enough for your tastes. He's sensitive and kind, but not "macho" enough. She's nurturing and good hearted, but doesn't dress up in black vinyl and invite her friends over for sex. Let me just tell you: you only go around once in life and the only path to true happiness is setting those standards impossibly high. So it's time to Break Up.
Now, there are a few schools of thought to ending a relationship, and they're all equally good choices, regardless of the situation.
The Sucker Punch: There's nothing like that "new relationship" feeling. There's magic in the air, and you're discovering all sorts of things about each other. You're both on your best behavior, trying your hardest to impress and please each other. Good food, good fun, sexual exploration -- everyone just radiates happiness. But all too soon, that feeling of closeness can transform into a desire to form a lasting bond with all the complications of family, friends, and the drudgery of everyday life. Why not just hit the heights and drop them like a brick? A classic "we had some great times, but I'm not at a point in my life where I want to be serious" is all the reassurance they'll need to traipse out of your life forever. Lather, rinse, repeat!
The Broken Record: The other side of this coin is that sometimes you've got a relationship that's a little "rocky". Maybe one of you "cheats" and gives the other "VD" or you're constantly "screaming" because you "hate" each other. Clearly, there's a lot of passion between the two of you, and life is all about passion. You wouldn't want to end a relationship like that all at once. So you break up, but promise to be friends. And you make good on that promise by spending lots of time together. Be aware that sometimes friends have "friend sex" and this is perfectly healthy fun. Should you get back together, and things get bad again, it's best to break up and tell all your friends about every horrible thing they ever did. Your friends will admire your sense of personal strength when you get back together yet again. Done correctly, you can keep the passion alive for years and years, with no one to lean on but each other.
The Overlap: If you ask anyone, they'll tell you that it's easier to find a new job while you've still got your old job. And it's totally ludicrous to move out of your old apartment before moving into a new one. So why should you wait until you've broken up with your current Significant Other before lining up your next one? You always look more attractive when it's clear that someone else wants you, and no one wants to date you when you're wallowing in a depressing break-up stupor. So isn't it just common sense have someone new waiting in the wings? Ultimately, it maximizes the happiness on Earth -- instead of two more unhappy people in the world, there are two happy people and only one unhappy person. Plus, nothing tells your ex "it's over, no, I mean really, really over" like someone else's car in your driveway at 4:00 AM. This is perhaps the cleanest, easiest breakup technique available, and it doesn't leave you in the unacceptable position of ever being "single".
The High Tech Breakup: We live in the 21st century, with more opportunities to miss communications than ever before in history. You've sent emails that didn't arrive, right? You can send a breakup letter out, and just misplace any pleas for explanation that come in. Five minutes of work, one blind eye, and the relationship is over. It's like turning off a switch! We've all innocently deleted answering machine messages without listening to them, right? And who hasn't accidentally ordered a phone plan with caller-ID blocking and absent-mindedly typed in the number of a former lover? The key to this is that you should never purposefully miss any of their attempts to contact you because this would make you out to be the "bad guy". Sometimes relationships just fall apart because two people fail to communicate, and sometimes it isn't either of their faults. As far as anyone can conclusively prove, anyway, and everyone knows that you're innocent until proven guilty.
The Stalker: Often, you find yourself on the other side of the breakup. The other person ended the relationship not because things between you weren't perfect, but because they were simply too perfect. The love between you was unlike anything felt by mortal man, and your true beloved, instinctively frightened by standing so close to so bright a flame, ran off. It's up to you to convince her that running isn't the answer. But for some reason, she keeps missing your emails and accidentally deleting your answering machine messages. Back in the good old days, you could at least phone to hear the sound of her voice and hang up, but curse that caller ID! Plus for some reason your calls aren't going through at all unless you use a pay phone, which is weird since she swore to her friends she didn't block you. But wherever that bitch goddess Technology closes a door, she opens a window. You can sneak into chat groups with her disguised as someone else, run daily searches on her name and personal information, and keep tabs on any updates to her home page. Do those new pictures from her Tahoe vacation show her with anyone else? Does her Amazon wish list reveal any clues that she's ready to take you back? It's all about perseverance, really. With proper attention, you can keep tabs on that special someone until they truly realize what they passed up.
Let's Be Friends: This, of course, is totally easy. You break up. You tell each other "let's be friends." You share three awkward coffee dates over the next four months, and each begin seeing other people. You regard each other more or less warmly in social situations, but never set up any actual plans to see each other one on one. Then you proudly tell people that you're still good friends with all your exes. A time honored classic.