Column for Friday, 3/30 - Cindy

Positive Affirmations


At a secret meeting of Cant contributors the other evening, between proposals for world domination and reviews of 1970's Italian demonic possession films, a discussion arose about the generally negative tone of Cant articles. It appears that, given the general mission to rant, rave, and babble, there have been few positive, life-affirming messages transmitted through the medium.

Now, this dovetails nicely with one of my primary observations as I finish up Asceticism month:

Good things aren't very funny.

I've had some grand personal revelations over this month. I've found that I love waking up at dawn: I approach the world with more optimism, I get more work done and have more free time, and I feel more ready and willing to take on life's challenges. Despite being in the enviable position where I don't have to get up early every morning, I've discovered I genuinely want to. The six o'clock hour is the most peaceful time of the day, and I'm sorry I've spent so much of my life sleeping through it. I honestly don't know how I'll get through next month. There's so much to be done and so little time to do it, I'm actually looking forward to resuming early-morning wake-ups once Hedonism month is over.

Goody for me, of course, but not a single dick joke anywhere to be found.

Exercising every day is not only no longer a chore, but something I look forward to. I've been increasing the difficulty of my workouts, spending more time on the machines, and generally pushing boundaries that, while they might not impress serious fitness types, certainly go beyond what I thought I was capable of. I walk out of the gym drenched in sweat, my heart pumping, my mind focused. It's great. It feels better than any drug I've tried, and it's actually good for me.

But if I write about *that* for more than a paragraph at a stretch, I sound like a self-help book or a Nordic Track commercial, and you all click over to for the latest smack talk about Aquaman. ("Wonder Woman to Superfriends: Aquaman's fucking useless! At least you can pour Zan over your head on a hot day.") The web is dull enough without yet another yahoo who thinks other people care how much time he spends every day on a stationary bicycle. Oh joy, exercise is good for you! Tell us something we don't know.

Of course, not all of my self-discoveries have been positive. For instance, I'm just about at the point where I'd skin a kitten in front of a room full of kindergartners for a cup of coffee. I've been good ALL month, and I can tell you exactly how many minutes I've got before I can slice into a rare New York strip, fire down a shot of single malt whiskey, bury my face in a hot fudge sundae, and let my bloodstream once again feel the pure chemical delight that is Caffeine. The biggest dilemma is which of those I want to do first come 12:00 AM, April 1st, and I'm seriously considering the logistics of attempting all four at once.

See? Human weakness. FUNNY.