Recently, a number of my friends and casual acquaintances have had children. Their first child, for most of them, which means they're entering a wholly new phase in their life. For the first time, they're completely responsible for another human being. Responsible for feeding it. Responsible for raising it to be a good person. Responsible for every single little thing it thinks, says, or does, throughout its entire life. I'm sure it's quite a burden.

So I think what these new parents really need right now is plenty of advice from their friends who don't have children. How to mold them into the people we would like them to be. Because, frankly, you're not thinking straight right now. I mean, you won't be getting more than two, three hours of sleep a night for years, and you're in no shape to be making any real decisions. Face it: you're legally insane. So either you listen to what I have to say and follow it to the letter, or I'm having you committed and putting your kid in foster care. I'm not kidding.

Because it's not just about you anymore. In fact, it's not about you at ALL anymore. Darwin is through with you. You've passed your genetic material into the future, and now you can get hit by a bus for all he cares. You're done. The only lingering part of you with any relevance to the universe is that little crap factory you're holding in your arms right now. So here are some Do's and Don'ts. Mostly Don'ts.

Letting your child watch television is the moral equivalent of hitting them in the face with a brick. Only the worst sort of parents would let their child have access to a television. You know the sort I'm talking about. The kind who plop their kids in front of a Disney tape, and let the corporate masters do all their child-rearing for them. Besides, which sounds like more fun? Watching cartoons with your two-year old, or teaching him medieval Japanese? (Hint: there is one, and only one, acceptable response to this question.)

Don't be one of those killjoy parents who won't let their child partake in the popular culture of the time. Do you want your kid to be a loser? When she goes to school and all the other kids are talking about the latest videos and movies, just how popular do you think she'll be if she's off in the corner trying to play out all the roles from Uncle Vanya? Don't kid yourself, popularity is important. Social skills like fitting in and doing what all the other kids do are crucial to long term success. So make sure she's up on all her latest pop culture references, even if she doesn't like them or thinks they're "stupid". If she resists, a gentle "do you want the other kids to make fun of you?" or "well, it looks like someone is going to be sitting at home all alone on prom night!" should properly shame her into following along with the herd.

Sunshine is poison. Thanks to the depleted ozone layer (caused mostly by minivans and the toxic byproducts of the diaper industry), five minutes in the sun is the equivalent of ten minutes in the microwave. Sure, you could put sunblock on your kid. They say it's safe for children. But do you really think they're being honest? Do you really think they don't have the FDA in their pocket, and have spent millions to keep clinical studies and harmful litigation hidden for decades? Better to keep your kid indoors. If he must play outside, remember: Shopping Malls make great parks!

A Child needs Two Full Time Parents. This one's simple. You both quit your jobs, and devote your lives to raising your new family. It's the new American Dream. Naturally, you've been planning for this financially. Otherwise, you wouldn't have been irresponsible enough to have kids. Ideally, you should both be at home until your child goes off to college (which you've also saved up for, right?), but in cases of dire emergency, one of you could probably work part time from the Junior High years onward. Recent polls amongst young adults confirm it: there's nothing they liked more growing up than having both their parents around all the time.

Remember: Your child is special. Tell her this, each and every day. Until she's twenty-nine. Make sure she knows that in all the Universe, there was never a creature so beloved or bright or beautiful. She's different. Unique. Millions of years of evolution and thousands of years of human culture led to the creation of this super-being you cradle in your arms. She is special, special, special.

Your child does not deserve preferential treatment. Your special, unique child should be taught to stand in line, to be quiet, to not cause a scene. Treating her as if she were better than the other children would be intrinsically unfair. (Spell this out for her, if necessary: i-n-t-r-i-n-s-i-c-a-l-l-y) If she throws a tantrum and says "but Daddy, you told me I was special!" then maybe she's old enough for the "Honey, sometimes Daddies exaggerate..." lecture.

It's never OK to touch your child. It's easiest to adopt a zero tolerance policy here, to avoid any number of horrible consequences.

Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child. It's in, uh, Corinthians or somewhere like that. Anyhow, if you use a rod it's not really touching them.

Provide your child with a moral framework. Any old moral framework will do. Whichever one you pick, your child will ignore it throughout adolescence, rant against it during early adulthood, and then turn to something wholly new once the inevitable existential angst sets in. But it's important to teach your child how to feel guilty. After all, they'll need something to do after sex one day, and I hear cigarettes can cause cancer.

Columns by Cindy