The following is a comprehensive list of Failed Cant Columns. Some are topics that were really only good for two or three short paragraphs, others are topics I liked and turned out to be thoroughly, thoroughly bad ideas. All I can do is promise, and I mean promise that I'll never turn any of these into a future column.

• A rational, scientifically-based astrological analysis of the twelve signs of the Zodiac. Libras, you see, are largely unplanned New Year's Eve conceptions, while Cancers are still wallowing in self-pity because they never had a classroom of peers sing them "Happy Birthday".
• Why I ranted for months against that stupid ballot proposition banning the sale of horsemeat as food, only to have an insane epiphany at the ballot and vote for it.
• A legal analysis of why it is permitted in this country to kill or castrate your dog, but not fuck it. Includes the observation that if you're caught fucking your dog, they'll take it away from you and kill it.
• Why you'll institute the metric system over MY DEAD BODY. You science geeks can have your centimeters and micrograms, but you try to push your Frenchy-assed Eurostandards on my cookbooks and I'll put a cap in your ass.
• A proposition for an updated BMI (Body Mass Index). Based on height, weight, and sex, I feel it leaves out people whose statistics might be altered by factors such as missing limbs, genetic abnormalities, and self-mutilation. Bottom line, how do you gauge a truly accurate BMI for armless amazon pinhead midgets?
• Search Engines are the Tool of the Devil: Why I want the Internet to be taken over by Betentacled Extra-Terrestrial Fascist Librarians who will index things properly.
• Really Useless Book Reviews: A scathing attack on James Blish's *completely* inadequate novelization of Star Trek episode #27 "Errand of Mercy." From his ham-handed opening to his woefully unsupported conclusion, Blish misses the essence of Gene L. Coon's classic work...
• An attempt to explain energy deregulation in California, including a criticism of how polarized "all-or-nothing" public opinions towards government regulation have stripped all responsible parties of any culpability.
• Just how many Orcs *have* I killed in my lifetime?
• Just how many times have I *masturbated* in my lifetime?

• No, no, this is the *real* reason I dropped out of Graduate school. All those other things I told you were just canned excuses to placate my relatives...