All Dressed in White
After having watched the most recent installment in the Star Wars saga, and closely following the comments and issues surrounding the film and its merits, I have come to a conclusion about the Star Wars series, and how it fits in the spectrum of Entertainment events.
After much deliberation, I have decided that Star Wars films no longer belong under the category of MOVIE. Sure, they're committed to film, and that's how most people experience them, but they now share fewer qualities with "movies" than they do a more applicable category: Weddings.
Why weddings?
First, you have to go. It doesn't matter if you think it's going to be delightful, or if you think it'll be tedious. You have to go anyway. You can't escape it. Everyone's been talking about it, everyone's going to keep talking about it, and it's simply expected that you'll go. No matter how bad it's going to be, it will be more annoying to be hearing all about it for months if you don't go. And, since you live on planet Earth, you've been invited. An RSVP isn't necessary.
Second, you just have to accept the fact that it's going to be horribly uneven. Some parts will be lovely. Ooh. Look at the ice sculpture! A little extravagant and pointless, but hey, it's a ten foot swan! Made of ice! Substitute the action sequence of your choice, and it all makes perfect sense. Other parts are embarrassingly bad, and you're expected to either pretend they never happened or come up with a lot of lame excuses. "Oh, Aunt Judy's own marriage didn't work out so well, so she tends to drink a lot at these things..." and "Sure a kid who isn't old enough to ride a tricycle single-handedly destroys a battlestation, but um..., Joseph Campbell... uh, Hero's Journey, hey look! Mace Windu has a purple lightsabre! (insert Samuel Jackson voice) What does Master Yoda look like? Does he look like a bitch?"
And of course, there are the parts you love and everyone else hates, and vice versa. But that's ok, because Star Wars movies and weddings are filled with please-everyone compromises. Elements that are sure to piss off 99% of the attendees will be included because a handful of loved ones will be forever furious if they're neglected. Grandma would never forgive them if they didn't mention Jesus, even if the "preacher" used to date both the bride and the groom. And the video game sequences? The merchandisers know where the Lucas children live, and daddy wouldn't want any "accidents", capiche?
The creators wring their hands over this sort of thing, because as much as they'd like an event with some sort of consistency, there are too many forces pulling them in too many directions, and ultimately it's easier just to cave in on four issues a minute. Halfway through the planning, everyone's just glad it's going to be over someday.
And yes, yes, the parts where people are actually talking are going to be incredibly painful. Like weddings, they spend a horrendous amount of money on the physical trappings for the ceremony, and spend two minutes, tops, rehearsing dialogue before the actual presentation. Have you ever been to a wedding rehearsal? They don't even read all their lines. The participants go over where they're going to stand and how they're going to walk. Whoever's planning the thing says "here's where the minister says his bit, and you say your bit, and you kiss..." It's all about the action. The nuances of dialogue are the most minor of afterthoughts. Sound familiar?
(In George Lucas' defense, though, I'd like to point out that professional writers such as myself do not come cheap. We have been known to charge hundreds, even thousands of dollars for simple pieces like movie scripts. Give the guy a break. He's not made of money, you know.)
Some people, of course, are going to walk in determined to hate it from minute one, and they won't be disappointed. Others will love it no matter what, because it's the sort of thing they live for. They'll have a great time. Each of these groups drives the other one crazy.
A few quick parting analogies: