It's that time of year and once again, I'm troubled with that age old question "What do you want for your birthday?" I know, I know, you've been budgeting for this all year and I wait until now to tell you. You have my sincere apologies.

It's a hard question for me, because I'm really quite content with the things I own. I'm a firm believer in the old proverb "It's better to want what you have than to have what you want", and I try to avoid the classic male "toy-buying" way of life. I don't really need anything from the Sharper Image catalog. I've got all the gadgets and knickknacks I can stand. More would just mean additional clutter around the house. Sure, the odd CD or book comes out that I'm interested in, but usually I buy these for myself, and by the time my birthday rolls around there's nothing left to get me.

But I do have a running list of life goals I'd like to achieve, and if it's in your power to grant any of the following, you are so invited to my birthday party:

A slutty teenage girlfriend. I've wanted one of these since I was twelve. I keep thinking, "maybe this will be my year!" But it never seems to pan out. So this birthday I'd finally like those mythical neighbors to move next door, with their Bad Girl daughter in the half-shirt and short-shorts. I know what you're thinking. But really, my interests are wholly selfless. I read all these sad stories on the internet about troubled young girls with no self esteem, who become involved with older married men who abuse them and crush their spirit. It wouldn't be like that with me at all! I'd tell her to stay in school, tutor her, encourage her to go on to great things in life. I'd be the model of compassion, and a wonderfully positive influence. And all I'd ask in return would be a little simple discretion. Unless she liked my wife and it turned out like those other stories on the internet, which would be an even better present.

Self-discipline. I want to write a book, damn it. And a movie script. Eventually, several of each. It's what I was put on Earth to do, and I can't even get my Cant columns done half the time. Even when I do it's usually these lame "list" Cants that only showcase my inability to stretch an idea past the one-paragraph mark. It's been a long dream of mine to hire a professional mistress to come over to my house in black PVC and fishnets, and whip a strip off my back every time I take my hands off the keyboard. Unfortunately, they charge too much by the hour, and even though it would be a legitimate business expense it's hard to get a bank loan for that sort of thing.

A time machine. Again, my interests would be purely academic. First I'd simply pop back in time to passively view the great events of History. To view the signing of the Magna Carta, and eavesdrop on the behind the scenes gossip. To see and smell the Battle of Cannae, the siege of Troy, to watch the Macedonian phalanx in action under Alexander's command. But history is more than great men and great wars. There are anthropological studies to undertake as well. To really see how people lived. To visit their alehouses, their gaming parlors, to taste their culture as an insider. Eventually, I'd like to meld these two approaches, and explore -- purely from an academic perspective -- what it would be like as an insider at the highest levels of ancient politics. So, when you crack open your copy of "The Lives of the Thirteen Caesars" and see a description for "the vilest, the most depraved Emperor of them all" next to a marble carving of my face, rest assured that I did it all in the pursuit of human knowledge.

A fucking explanation already. Oh, you know who you are and you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's been over ten fucking years and I still don't have the slightest idea why you did it. I'm not asking for an apology, I just want to know why? It's been weighing on me all these years. It made no sense! Why, Why, WHY?

The "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" complete second season DVD set. Alright, this one's pretty tangible, but I haven't bought it yet. I have these all on tape, but it's pretty low quality resolution and I'd like to hear the directors' commentary and stuff.

For the economy to rebound already. You see, the last time the economy was going crazy (in a good way), I was following an academic life path that kept me pretty much separated from the world of finance. By the time I joined the legitimate business world (hey, that's what I want for my birthday! Business cards that list my profession as "Legitimate Businessman"), the economy was just about to reach the cliff. I did a quick crash course on personal finance, learned about 401k plans and DRIP investments, and was *totally* prepared to manage the stock options I hoped to get one day... And then it was all about as moot as the year I spent studying Ancient Greek. I've spent the last four years hearing "these economic doldrums are largely psychological, we're already on the rebound..." Now it's time, thanks. I want my employer to surprise me with European vacations and to rent me Disneyland for a day, because damn it, Employees like me are hard to find. Instead, I get to cower, hoping that I'll survive yet another swing of the axe.

World Peace. Oh crap, my spellchecker screwed that one up again. I meant World Piece. A big piece. Preferably an island. A tropical one would be ok, as would a craggy mountainous one with lots of picturesque electrical storms. My first pick would be something like Vancouver Island, or something off the west coast that wasn't too cold in the winter. But any place where I could set my own laws, import my own slaves, and have the occasional Human hunt will do. Really, my needs are simple.

Columns by Cindy