Cindy - Column for 8/9

Look Out World

As an amateur porn reviewer, I see sometimes 15-20 fuck films a week. I write reviews on each and every one, and post them to the Internet free of charge. Now, it's really starting to piss me off that smug asswipes like Roger Ebert get all the money and fame for watching maybe two movies a week, just because they're mainstream movies. They can even go to their local theater, for Christ's sake. I have to drive 20 minutes through a fucking war zone, past crack heads and hobos just to get to the nearest jack shack.

Well, lately my home business selling pepper spray and switchblade "assembly kits" hasn't been doing so well, so I'm being forced to start peddling my skills to a more general audience. I'm sending these reviews to the Chicago Tribune and seeing if maybe I can take over the spot of that short guy who died a few years back. Let me know what you think!

These are all movies I saw this summer.

SPIDERMAN:

Scene 1 - 10 guys + 3 girls. In some kind of science museum. This scene really had potential. The girls were totally strokeworthy, and surrounded by a bunch of high school guys. I'm thinking "All right! This is a way to start a movie!" It had some kind of rich-boy, poor-boy plot dialogue going on at the beginning so I figured it for a couples' flick -- but all of a sudden it was looking like a full-on teenybopper gang bang! With total production values, not like the usual cheap-assed sets you see in P4P films. (I should probably explain here. That's "Porno for Pedophiles" where they take chicks who look totally young and dress them up like retarded 12 year olds.) One of the girls looks like a red-haired Katie Gold back in 2001 when she was still young and hot, and she's giving this one guy the look. He starts taking her picture, and she starts posing, and then INSTEAD of her doing a hot little striptease and fucking every guy in the room, the guy gets bitten by a fake bug or something and the scene just ENDS.

Scene 2 - 2 guys + power suit. This older millionaire guy goes crazy with this super-strength power suit, which has got to have all kinds of special dildo/speculum attachments. I'm thinking, "it's time to call over some high-price escorts and really go to town!" But they totally blow it and after this autoerotic asphyxiation scene, he just kills the other guy. I like to think of myself as pretty open minded, but I just can't condone violence unless it at least leads to a hot fuck scene.

Scene 3 - Again with the tease bullshit! This kid gets locked in a wrestling arena by weightlifting bikini chicks. Has potential, right? Then they lower down a cage and it's him with another guy! Oh man! This is another problem with mainstream movies -- they don't let you know from the outset that there may be M/M scenes! They end up just beating the shit out of each other, but I'm going to need to re-watch my whole Jenna Jameson collection just to clear the queer vibe outta my head. (This movie even had a character named "Jonah Jameson", which would be kinda funny if this really were a gay porno.)

I won't keep this up, since the rest of the movie is more of the same. Lots of damsel in distress bullshit, but even at the end where you can tell the redhead chick is totally into the main guy he walks away. But she's got some pretty nice nips in one wet t-shirt scene, and the lighting is decent, so...

Hot chicks: B (One totally fine chick, but not enough to fill a whole DVD.)
Hot Sex: F
Overall Rating: D+

MEN IN BLACK II:

I walked out of this movie after ten minutes. I was there to see that little cutie from "The Practice", but she's totally gotten too fat for me. Can you say "cornfed?" Plus, you know a movie sucks when it stars a black guy and you don't even see his dick in the opening credits.

Overall Rating: F

AUSTIN POWERS IN GOLDMEMBER

Now this is a MOVIE.

I can't even break it down into a scene by scene review, because it's just totally Gonzo. The action never stops! It has NO plot, which is just fine by me - I think we all know why we're going to these movies - just nonstop exchange of bodily fluids. Not a condom in sight, either, which is a nice fuckin' change these days.

This movie has EVERYTHING you could want. It has white chicks, black chicks, even Japanese twins in raver schoolgirl outfits. It has watersports, pee-drinking, and scat-sniffing. It has a midget with a cock the size of his leg, a prison fuck scene, and this one guy whose dick is made out of solid GOLD. It even has Ron Jeremy, playing this "Fat Bastard" character, only he's not quite as funny as he usually is. But that's ok, because he makes this English guy rub his shit-stained underwear in his face. Man, if you put this film in a regular porn store, it would be raided in minutes! No porn distributor would dare touch this kind of material, but here it was at the local Cineplex 20 playing next to "Stuart Little 2". God Bless America!

I haven't seen Austin Powers 1 or 2 yet, but I'm totally getting a Blockbuster membership and checking them out. This series could keep going for years.

Hot Chicks: A
Hot Sex: A (Well, no actual straight sex, but all kinds of fucked up shit!)
Overall Rating: A- (Lacked the requisite A2M scene to earn my highest rating)

Columns by Cindy