I Don't Watch Television
I'd just like to take this opportunity to let you all know that I'm better than you.
Why?
Because unlike you, I don't watch television.
It's beneath me, frankly. It's vapid. It's poorly written. It insults my intelligence. Merely turning on the boob tube makes you a lesser person, and personally, I just don't do it.
Of course, I have a television. I have to have something to watch movies on, right? It's cheaper than going out, and it's not like they host a Kubrick film festival at the local theater every weekend.
And sure, I get cable. I mean, that's the only way to get CNN, right? There could be a hostage crisis or another student uprising in Beijing, and it's my duty as a citizen to stay informed. I also hear there's a civil war in the Congo or something, wiping out ancient cultures and endangered lowland Gorillas as we speak, and I'm sure they'll start covering that as soon as they find that intern girl who's missing.
True enough, I do watch The Simpsons. But that's ok, because they're a parody of all those teevee sitcoms. They're making fun of television. So, pretty much any time spent watching The Simpsons counts as negative television-watching time, and for every two episodes I can watch an hour of "bad" television and still hold my head up high as someone who doesn't really watch TV. Which is cool, because it's on like four times a day.
Futurama also counts as an episode of The Simpsons, but only if you used to read Matt Groenig's "Life is Hell" before he started doing animated shorts on the Tracy Ullman show. Then it counts as a genuine high-class cultural experience. Whether watching "King of the Hill" in between the two programs counts is a matter of personal choice, but since I'm such a refined individual, I usually just turn it off between 7:30 and 8:00. Because I don't really like King of the Hill, and they're only showing re-runs these days anyway.
And yes, I do watch back episodes of Law and Order on A&E, but that's purely for educational purposes. I fully intend on leading a life of crime one day, and the show is simply chock full of creative ways to stash all your incriminating evidence in a place the police will think they're entitled to search, but aren't. Once the bodies and murder weapons are tossed out of court, I'll get off Scott free! (Those "inevitable discovery" motions the District Attorney is always pulling out of his ass never work in real life.) The same goes for educational programs in general, so I'm pretty much free to watch shark and alligator documentaries, Iron Chef, any historical program not explicitly about World War II, the Acadamy Awards, VH-1's Pop Up Video, Battle Bots, Win Ben Stein's Money, and the annual Westminster Dog Show.
Quality science fiction, of course, is also exempt from the negative stench of being "television." But I maintain strict standards on this caveat. Star Trek, of course, transcends the medium. The Next Generation and its various spin-offs do not. (One above-average Shakespearean actor and six well-written episodes out of twenty-one seasons does not a good franchise make.) Babylon 5 is acceptable, but only seasons one through four. The Prisoner isn't television, it's a cunningly-written serial about the nature of individual freedom. Red Dwarf is fucking Tee Vee, and don't let any knee-jerk anglophilic fanboy tell you differently. It's all about keeping your standards high.
I also feel a certain moral obligation to help end the oppression suffered by gays and lesbians. Well, lesbians anyway -- I'm generally out of the house the night "Will and Grace" is on. By supporting shows featuring prominent lesbian characters and themes, I am doing my part to achieve mainstream cultural acceptance. Plus, it gives me an excuse to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which is nice. I'm not watching because I like the show or anything. I'm bravely standing up for the socially unacceptable notion that it's ok for college girls to kiss other college girls in front of a camera. Thanks to my efforts, and the efforts of like-minded individuals, similar images can now be found throughout the internet, and on magazine racks coast-to-coast. There is still much work to be done, but it feels good to know that I'm part of the solution.
Why did I watch all three seasons before Willow started dating Tara? Character development, of course. Character development. These things are important.
So, you can go ahead and rot your brain with your sit-coms, your medical dramas, your soap operas. I'll be reading great works of literature, contemplating philosophical conundrums, and making my contribution towards the great tapestry of artistic expression.
Right after this coyote catches this bird.