And now we turn from ranting conspiracy theories to ranting introspection. For those of you keeping score at home, this is my 100th column. Yes, I know I missed a few. Shut the hell up. By my numbering, this is 100, and I’m going with that. Any complaints and I start using blink tags.

I’ve never written New Year’s Resolutions before. Well, that’s not quite true. I’m sure that I had to write some for an elementary school assignment. Probably in the fourth grade, when I had just spent Winter break making up a ton of work that I hadn’t bothered to do in the previous three months. Look, it wasn’t my fault, really. The teacher listed assignments on the board, and I just did the ones that I felt like doing. Most of them were boring, anyway. I remember endless lists of multiplication tables, and, honestly, how many times does one need to know that nine times eight is seventy-two? Not enough to start caring, certainly. Regardless, I’m sure I had to whip up some sort of list, which probably consisted of things like "do schoolwork on time" and other nonsense. So I’ve never written a list of resolutions that I had any intention of actually keeping.

This time, of course, it’s different. Would I lie to you, dear reader, especially in this most special column? Of course I wouldn’t. Onward, then. As it happens, I only have one resolution. It’s a big one, though:

1. Stop buying miniatures

Over the past few years, I developed a nasty little addiction to tiny metal wargaming figures. Even though I haven’t played a miniatures game in a year or two, I’ve still been buying the damnable things. I’ve kept myself away from the game store, but every so often I’ll see something on eBay that catches my eye, and even more rarely will I win with a relatively small bid. Then Agents of Gaming went under, and I couldn’t resist picking up some of their Babylon 5 starships at “buy them or we destroy them” prices. But even a small inflow is greater than my painting outflow.

I have, scientifically speaking, about a hojillion miniatures. I something like twenty shoebox-sized containers full of them. Oh, sure, it’s not as bad as some people, but very few of those containers are full of painted miniatures. Most, at least, are ready to be painted, but there are a depressing number filled with minis still in their little boxes. Now a table in the garage is being overwhelmed by the things. This wouldn’t be a problem if I was a prolific painter, but that’s exactly what I’m not. I’m barely painting a handful of the things a year, now, so it’s got to stop. As I said, I haven’t even played a game in a long while, and yet I’ve been collecting more ships, more infantry, more tanks, and more scenery, in preparation for some potential game in the distant future.

The thing is, I have enough minis for pretty much any potential game I’m going to play. More than enough in many cases. I blame my friends for luring me into the habit. I also blame my high school friends for not being miniature gamers and luring me into the habit back then, when I had enough time to paint. Plus, maybe the X-acto knife scars on my fingers would’ve made girls think I was into drugs or something. Unfortunately, I was definitely too thick back then to play along with that story, had it ever come up.

So, because of my current friends, a small area of the second floor of my house is undoubtedly sinking under the weight of tiny tanks, infantry, aerospace fighters, spaceships, and buildings. I even have a troop of futuristic gang members who look like they’re busy performing a particularly colorful and bandanna-heavy version of West Side Story. I don’t remember exactly why I choose to buy that particular gang, but I believe it was because my friends had already nabbed the cool gangs. Bastards.(1)

But I think I can handle this. As I said, even if I stop buying minis, I have enough to keep me painting for years. Until then, no more. Heck, I actually just sold a group of ‘mech minis on eBay, so that’s sort of like progress. Still, though, it’s time to break the habit. Just as soon as these last three auctions end. Hey, I bid on them last week! They don’t count!

1) Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure that jasona helped guide my decision. "Be extremely wary of advice from jasona" is another excellent resolution.