I’ve been looking into home theater equipment recently. Not because I’m looking to buy a multi-thousand-dollar setup; no, just to answer a few small questions, look at reviews of non-startlingly priced equipment, that sort of thing. But even cursory research reveals all sorts of insanity in the realm of audio/video equipment. It’s not merely reviewers who use terms that they pull out of their nether regions to describe sound ("expansive", "roomy", "warm"), it’s also the products.
Products like those from, say, Monster. Sure, you’ve seen their cables on sale in your local store at chest-tightening prices, but you haven’t seen these. Take a good look, read the description, view the prices. Insane, right? It’s COPPER. Oh, right, copper lovingly sheathed in an extra-special patented "dielectric." Dielectric, as in "something that doesn’t conduct electricity," i.e., plastic. Yes, for a mere $1250, you, too, can have a pair of five foot long speaker cables that are made from really special copper and have sport another piece of plastic that "resembles a jet engine." Yeah, let me get in line for some special go-fast cable.
Doing a miniscule amount of research, I found that copper sells for a bit over $1600 a metric ton. Sure, maybe it’s not 99.9999% pure, but who cares? This is America, where quantity trumps quality any day of the week. We’re all about SuperSized meal deals and SUVs. To hell with a few tiny ounces of copper! With a one-ton slab of copper connecting your speakers to your receiver, you don’t have to worry about "purity"!
You know what we need? Monster's "elite" customer list. It's gotta be a list of the least intelligent, most vain, and most flush with disposable income people on the planet. And I think they need some custom-colored, polymolecular, multi-axis-flexible, fully dielectric cable protectors (i.e., heat shrink tubing). Say, $1000 a foot? Maybe Monster works on some X hundred of dollars per buzzword. We'll need to work on that. "Guaranteed to increase the responsiveness, tightness, color, and roominess of your audio!" (i.e., after shelling out a few grand, you'll be willing to convince yourself that it makes a difference).
Just look at the comments these people write:
The competitors cables were lacking in the midrange and sounded somewhat "brittle." I found the 850i's to be a very smooth, open, detailed, and pleasing.
Ignoring the grammar and just looking at the adjectives, what the hell does that mean? How is sound both "smooth" and "detailed"? (And, I assume, "strong"? "Resilient"? Otherwise not prone to breakage? Damn those brittle, breakable sound waves!)
And what could "open" possibly refer to? "It sounds more open" just doesn’t paint a picture for me. Er, sound a picture, I suppose. “Pleasing” I can understand, assuming he means “It sounds better” and not “It makes my eardrums quiver in an ecstasy of smooth openness.”
But I really love this one, about the HT-3600 Monster Power Center (I bet it can totally kick the T-1000's ass!):
I am amazed to see how the voltage that comes from the wall changes continually, and radically at times.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that what the "A" of "AC" stands for? ALTERNATING? I'm not an electrician, but I'm pretty damn sure that "115 V" is a general sort of thing, meaning that it's going to be around 115, and isn't going to be pegged to 115.00000... at every second.
I’d hope that guy never steps outside his basement ("I am amazed to see how the light outside changes continually, and radically at times.").
But then you get into the real audiophile wankery:
Having fairly critical ears, it was easy to hear the added depths in sound stage, detail, and effortless musicality of the sound and the definite drop in the noise floor…
"Detail"? Yeah, sure, I can buy that. "Sound stage"? Ok, maybe meaning "it doesn’t sound as if it was recorded in a bathroom." But "effortless musicality"? "Drop in the noise floor"?
Ok, another miniscule amount of research, and I discover that "noise floor" is a term used by people interesting in setting up recording studios. Now, maybe the above reviewer is a professional music technician, but my guess is that he’s just tossing off phrases that he enjoys typing. Heck, maybe the "Anal Audiophile" act helps him score with the ladies.
But "effortless musicality"? You just can’t take that seriously. And yet, it seems to pop up all the time in audio component reviews. Like this one:
Effortless musicality. Striking dynamics. Utter transparency. Rock-solid and tuneful bass. Full and uncolored mids. Extended and clear highs. Total coherence. Razor-sharp imaging and detail. Lightning quickness. Lifelike soundstage.
Let me give you a minute to finish chortling.
I guess when you’re reviewing speakers that cost $14,000, you get to use all of your most ridiculous audio clichés. Certainly, for that kind of money, you don’t want something that emits slow, opaque sound waves, do you? The review really just needs to answer one question: "Given $14,000, would I spend it on these speakers?" But a mere "Yes" or "Hell, no! Hookers for everyone!" just wouldn’t have the same impressive faux coolness.
These guys need to sound like they’re experts, and part of being an expert involves using terms that laymen don’t understand. If you understand that the description of the super cable says "it’s a copper wire with plastic insulation", you’re probably not going to shell out thousands of dollars for it. Sure, it’s marketing, but, boy, do these people buy into it in a big, hugely pretentious way.