This week, I’m looking at three news articles that triggered a visceral response. You’re being spared yet another rambling political rant this week because I don’t have the source material with me and I have a few other points to check up on. Plus, next week I’ll be out of repercussion range during the day, as I’ll be trying to keep my bladder from exploding while watching that new elves & halflings movie. You know, the movie that’s like an AD&D campaign, except with competent characters. The fact that the theater is going to be filled with babbling morons who will have burned through their attention spans after an hour and will doubtlessly end up playing with their cell phones, which light up and let them play Tetris, didn’t deter me from buying tickets. But only because I just thought of that. Dammit.
Government sues weight-loss maker
The FTC is suing some snake oil peddling con artist who has been selling the optimistically-named "Body Solutions Evening Weight Loss Formula." And why are they doing this?
Probably because the FTC takes issue with claims that this wonder product can "cause substantial weight loss even if users eat substantial amounts of high-calorie foods such as pizza, beer, tacos, nachos, cheese grits, and doughnuts."
Again, this harkens back to a recurring question in my life: Why aren’t I working on ways to profit from stupidity? How blindingly stupid do you have to be to believe that gulping some swill before going to bed is going to allow you to lose weight after stuffing your swollen belly with the entire contents of a 7-11? Pretty damn stupid. And it’s a “substantial” amount of weight, which is, you know, a big word and all. Maybe this miracle liquid atrophies a limb or two, or coats your digestive tract with a thick layer of soothing, calorie-free latex, letting those cheese grits just slide on through.
Despite the fact that the product claims sound dubious to people with even microscopic levels of common sense, the company has made $190 million since 1999. Then it filed for bankruptcy protection. No, I don’t understand that, either, but I’m guessing it involves secret bank accounts. Regardless, it always amazes me that there are that many stupid people out there. Yes, yes, I know that I just have to look at the number of people who vote Republican.
Unfortunately, these people are also breeding:
'Skinny Pill for Kids' may be harmful
Huh. You don’t say?
"Experts warn a diet pill for children being marketed over the Internet could cause kidney damage and other problems. The marketer of the supplement, called 'Skinny Pill for Kids,' said her company had not done safety tests on children. The pill is being marketed to children age 6 to 12…Pediatric experts told CNN they're especially concerned about three herbs in the "Skinny Pill" that are diuretics…Experts also warn that there's no data showing this pill helps children lose weight."
Until that kidney damage really kicks in, anyway. Oh, and another ingredient can cause liver damage. As a parent, and here I’m going to milk that false position of authority for all it’s worth…ahem, as a concerned parent…heck with it: As a concerned parent with at least some goddamn brains in my head, I’d like to point out that this is reprehensible. Now, yes, I know that there are lots of fat kids out there, and lots of people out there who are passing on there who have an inordinate amount of stupid, but still: Giving diet pills to a 6-year-old?
I know it can be difficult to raise a child. I can certainly appreciate that. But if your kid is six years old and obese, maybe it’s time for a bit of a lifestyle change. Maybe it’s time to realize that the same things that led to you weighing 300 pounds (bacon-n-cheese-filled doughnuts) isn’t good for your child, either. I’m not talking about rare glandular conditions, I’m talking about people who don’t give a damn and sit on their asses and toss Twinkies at their kids instead of, you know, parenting. If your kid is in elementary school and is obese, you’re doing something wrong, and no magic pill is going to fix it. Yes, maybe that’s obvious to me, and to you, but how the hell isn’t it obvious to the people who keep these thieves in business?
Says the slimy little criminal who markets this scam: "People are making it sound like I'm irresponsible. But I'm not. I've been working on developing this product for six months."
Oh, well, that’s different. Six whole months. How can it not be perfect?
Again, it amazes me that people are gullible enough to be willing to kill themselves in order to lose weight. Ok, fine, maybe kidney and/or liver damage won’t kill you, and, hey, maybe Big Billy will be happier with dialysis then he would be after his first pre-puberty heart attack. Sure, I think the person selling this stuff is an amoral slimeball, but maybe that’s just because I haven’t spent six months convincing myself that deluding parents and critically harming children shouldn’t interfere with my income or keep me from sleeping at night.
Ok, just one more swipe: Scientists Debate Possible Viagra-Aggression Link
Goes a long way towards explaining Republicans, doesn’t it?