Thank God our government is protecting us. Not from terrorists, really. Sure, we’ve bombed the bejesus out of Afghanistan, but bin Laden is still on the loose, the person who sent mail full of anthrax is still around, probably back at his day job of Presidential Advisor, and things are still getting blown up pretty regularly around the world. So, hey, the War on Terror looks to be every bit as effective as the War on Drugs and the War on Poverty. Just look at how difficult it is to buy drugs or find a poor person these days.
But, if there’s one thing our government and military can do, it’s protect us from those awful homosexuals. After all, those gay translators would undoubtedly have put a limp-wristed spin on any Arabic transmissions they translated. They probably would have dotted all of the i’s with little hearts.
Now, of course I know that, by and large, the US is fairly homophobic. No news there, and there’s no need for me to tell you that. I know that a large number of people believe that the invisible sky being hates homosexuality, and that’s fine. Believe whatever you want. But can’t we at least insist on a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy for inane beliefs? We’ve been told for the past year that our government needs more people who can translate Arabic. We’ve been told that the War on Terror is our highest priority. Obviously, Hating Gays is still the Super Highest Priority.
Ok, let’s get to demonizing conservatives. Does Trent Lott lay awake at nights, worrying that homosexual men are ogling his buttocks? Is Dick Cheney afraid to appear in public because he doesn’t want to add to his unwilling status as a star in so many gay sex fantasies? Does Duhbya take pains to kiss Laura longer than usual, just to make sure that his faux-cowboy image isn’t turning him gay?
In short, what are these morons thinking? I’m not gay, so I can’t be certain, but I’m willing to bet that very, very few gay men are lusting after the firm, toned body of Jesse Helms. He can stop worrying now.
Let me provide some anecdotal evidence. I, shockingly, know a few gay men. I have been in the same room with these people; I’ve even had conversations with them. Somehow, they managed to keep their penises in their pants the entire time. Now, sure, maybe I’m just not attractive enough; I can admit that. But, living in the Bay Area, it’s likely that I pass gay men fairly regularly when walking down the street. Heck, the street’s also occupied by lots of other men. And yet I’ve never once seen a man shriek, whip out his privates, and wave them at every man in the vicinity.
So, based on this admittedly non-rigorous testing, I’m going to conclude that those guys fired from their jobs at the Pentagon would have, through sheer mental effort, been able to keep from pressing themselves against any generals with whom they happened to share an elevator.
Of course, it’s ultimately ironic that these staid defenders of heterosexuality are spending so much time and effort worrying about what other men are doing with their penises.