Car Choices

• Mercedes: Every Mercedes must come with a certificate that gives the owner permission to ignore any inconvenient traffic laws, and gives them carte blanche to drive with the belief that other, lesser drivers are required to acquiesce to their whims. If a Mercedes driver wants to change lanes, you’d just better move your cheap little compact out of the way. With a Mercedes, you get all the perks of nobility, without that pesky noblesse oblige.
• BMW: Drive like they think the Germans do. BMW drivers tend to be marketing types: all hair and teeth and no brains. Unlike Mercedes drivers (whom BMW drivers harbor a secret inferiority complex regarding), BMW drivers know that you’re there, but they’re going to prove that they’re better than you by cutting you off, then braking, all while on their cell phone. And they want you to know that they’re on their cell phone, because then you’ll appreciate how important they are. After all, you’re not making globally important deals while careening down the freeway, are you?
• Audi: Like BMW drivers, they harbor an inferiority complex, but with Audi drivers it’s directed at BMW drivers. After all, Audis are German cars, too, right? And they cost about the same. But everyone knows that BMW drivers are massive, self-absorbed assholes, and Audi drivers resent that recognition. They want to be recognized, too, but they aren’t quite assholic enough to actually buy a BMW. Secretly, they’re afraid that we’ll figure out that they’re actually closet Volvo fans.
• Porsche: Arrogant assholes. People who used to be BMW hair&teeth sorts, but are now older, unwiser, and probably lawyers. Unlike Mercedes drivers, they realize that you’re there, and unlike BMW drivers, they don’t actively hate you, but Porsche drivers just see you as an obstacle, one that they have to swerve around in a dramatic fashion, letting the steering wheel whip through their expensive leather driving gloves.
• VW (any): Bitch boxes. VWs are girlie cars. The vast majority of Jettas are owned by late-20/early-30-something females who are trying to appear younger and more fashionable than they really are. The rest of the owners bought a VW because they thought it was cute, didn’t pay attention to their reputation as hangar queens, and are now wondering why 40-something men keep peering expectantly into their cars.
• SUV (any): Blithering idiots. I’ve seen more SUVs come to an all-but-complete stop at the sight of a “Rough Road Ahead” sign than…well, than should happen, dammit. If the threat of a little loose gravel is going to make you screech to a stop, why buy the roadmonster in the first place? Some SUVs even have comically stupid metal light guards, presumably to protect against rocks flying up off of dirt roads, roads that those SUVs will never, ever see. Yes, I know this is an easy target.
• Honda: Gods among men. Honest folks, conscientious drivers, solid family types, upstanding members of the community. Who secretly think that attaching a JATO unit to their car is a really neat idea. Or maybe that’s just me.

Columns by Harlock