The first story exposes an age-old, literally underground conspiracy in jolly old England. Large, poisonous spiders, not seen for thousands of years, are living close to, and quite possibly underneath, Windsor Castle. Windsor Castle has been a royal residence for over 900 years. So that's at least 900 years in which the spiders can have been controlling the British government. Coincidentally, the Normans invaded England 935 years ago. Could these spiders have come with the Normans from France? I say yes. Which would mean that these spiders are a faction of the deadly spiders that have been controlling the governments of Europe for thousands of years! Why is no one searching for spiders under the government buildings in Berlin, Moscow, and Paris? Because the spiders don't want them to!
The second deals with a horrific sculpture:
NEW YORK (June 21, 2001 10:41 a.m. EDT) - Gigantic spiders
are greeting summer visitors to Rockefeller Center in the space
graced annually by the center's famed Christmas tree.
"Spiders," by acclaimed sculptor Louise Bourgeois, officially
opened Thursday. It features a 30-foot-high spider, "Maman,"
carrying a basket of eggs. She is flanked by two smaller works,
both called simply "Spider." (Maman is French for "mama.")
Yes, a location known for housing a festive, happy holiday decoration is now taken over by a grotesque, gigantic arachnid. And one bearing eggs, no less! Welcome to my parlor, indeed. "Yes, line up, kiddies, and take an egg. The bodyguard drones will make sure that you take one. Be sure to sleep with it under your pillow tonight!" And this spider-love is not a fluke for the artist. A quick search and I find a set of her drawings, at the Berkeley Art Museum...mere miles away from me! Along with images of the evil drawings, there is also an audio file. Let me quote from it: "I see the spider as a savior...if you want to detest spiders, it is not against the law." No, not yet, Ms. Bourgeois, but you'd like that, wouldn't you? Your spider allies, your saviors are about to make their final play for world domination, aren't they? Maybe pass a few "Love Thy Spider" laws to get things going. For what else is a sculpture of a 30-foot-high, egg-distributing spider but part of a plot to get us accustomed to the sight of our soon-to-be masters? The first drawing on that page...are we expected to believe that it is mere coincidence that the spider looms in front of what we all recognize from countless TV shows as a classic Hypnotizing Spiral?
Perhaps I am only seeing the obvious. Am I incorrect in only assuming the most likely explanation? Possibly. But spiders are not subtle when they sense that they have weakened their prey. It's perfectly obvious that these little eight-legged horrors have been planning their great coup for quite a while now. They've been content to wait thousands of years, and now they think that we're ripe for the plucking. My fellow humans, we must prove them wrong! Take up arms against any spiders that you encounter and crush them mercilessly! Or feet. Feet are good, too. Whatever works. Just destroy the little eight-legged, chitin-covered, web-spinning would-be Napoleons, before it's too late!