Vouchers for Everyone!

But why stop with public education? There are all sorts of government-funded programs that, while ostensibly helping our society as a whole, many of us can do without. Or, at least we can come up with some more choices. And isn't that what it's all about, letting individuals make their own choices and do their own things and not have to participate in American society if they don't want to? It's my tax dollars, right, so I should be able to say what those "lawmakers" in D.C. can do with it! After all, they don't have anything to do with me; I didn't vote for them.

So here are a few more suggestions for more publicly funded programs that should be voucherized. Since I've seen $2500 bandied about fairly often as the amounts that parents can receive by not sending their kids to public school, I'll assume that amount for everything.

• Public works: Take the $2500, and promise not to do anything that will increase wear and tear on public buildings, roads, sidewalks, national parks…best just to stay at home. But $2500 a year can pay for a really nice entertainment system. Of course, since this also covers little things like water mains and sewers, you'll have to use some of that voucher money to buy a lot of bottled water and dig yourself a big, well-lined pit in your backyard. But it's all about choice, right? Why should you have to drink the city's water? And flush your poop where they tell you to?

  And if you're not sending my child to a public school, you certainly don't want to have to pay to repair the school buildings. Plus, if you never leave your house, the state of public parks isn't much of a concern.

• Police protection: Fuck the po-lice! Give people $2500 a year and I'm sure the crime rate will drop sharply. Just take the money, promise you won't commit any crimes, and also promise that you won't bother the police if someone steals your wallet, vandalizes your car, or commits any other crimes against you. Someone kills you and dumps your body in an alley? Sure, there will be no justice for you, as the police won't spend any time on the case, but you can use part of that $2500 for a big chunk of life insurance. Of course, if you're not accepting police protection, your insurance rates will probably rise by a slight amount.

• Fire protection: Much like police protection. But $2500 can buy a lot of fire extinguishers, and should cover any little increase in homeowner's insurance.

• National defense: Tell the armed forces that you don't want their protection, take your $2500, and buy a nice set of guns. After all, it's been determined that the whole "well-regulated militia" part of the Second Amendment doesn't really mean anything, and you're going to need a lot of firepower if you're going to defend your home against invading Russians, terrorists, or anyone else who wants to take away your freedom (and finds your name on a list of people no longer under U.S. protection).

• Voting process: We all know that something like half or less of Americans vote. So if I'm not going to vote, why should I have to pay for the whole process? I'll promise that I'll never vote, and the government can stop sending me those election booklets. My name will never appear on the list at polling places, there's no need to print an "I Voted!" sticker for me, and any guilt caused by my self-righteous voting colleagues will be soothed by that $2500.

So there you go, just a couple of ideas. I'm sure you can think of more. Just remember: It's all about not being stifled by the default choice! This is America, the land of the free. It's our tax money, and it's time to take it back, no matter how stupid and antisocial* that might be.

Columns by Harlock