Harlock - Column for 9/5

Pouring Oil on Troubled Waters

Now there's an expression that you don't hear very often nowadays. I mean, hey, that's what the captain of the Exxon Valdez was doing, right? Or, as The Onion put it, "George Bush Mourns Loss of Precious, Precious Oil." After all, that's what Republicans get you: an Alaskan wilderness drenched in oil, animals dying in droves as oil cartel officials try to squeeze drops of precious crude from their writhing bodies.

Not that I'm implying that Republicans are heartless, troll-like, sub-human bringers of corruption, despair, and ruin; no, I'm stating that rather blatantly. Why, Republicans would plunge oil wells into your souls if they knew of a way to drain your precious life force. Do you think that Jesse "Jabba" Helms or Strom "Congress is my Rest Home" Thurmond would balk at such a plan? Hardly. Well, Strom (I'm guessing there was dyslexia involved when his name was chosen) might not understand it, but his aides/caretakers/puppeteers would go for it. After all, Strom was born in 1902...almost exactly one year before the Wright brothers first flew. Yes, a man born before powered flight is still an influential political figure. He was already 40 when he served in WWII. Our last two presidents, at much younger ages, spent their time figuring out ways to avoid fighting in Vietnam.

All of which has nothing to do with the point of this column. In the past week, there has been an increase in criticism leveled at the appearance of No column notices. Most of the criticism has been...shall we say, somewhat hypocritical? Yes, we shall. Because very few of us Cantists...Canters? Cantites? Cantanistas? Regardless, very few of us have never let our assigned day go by without submitting a column. And none of us have managed to avoid the dreaded No column message entirely. So, for most of the people submitting whining complaints, it's a cast of people living in glass houses throwing stones, or something to that effect. But, as one of the very few Cantanistas who has never missed a column, I'm perfectly entitled to my stone throwing. Now, I'm sure that authors have very good excuses, but let's face it: my excuses are much, much better. And I don't even need to use them. But they're very, very good. Oh, sure, there was that whole "Sun Ra traipses off to Spain and everything goes to hell" episode. But I managed to post my columns without any problems, so I think the uproar was just a pathetic excuse used to hide egregious laziness and drag Mr. Ra's good name through the mud. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

So, to conclude:

  1. I have never missed a column. Never.

  2. If I ever do miss a column, I've got a boatload of excuses stored away. They're all great, and absolve me of any and all guilt that I might otherwise feel.

  3. Pot, kettle, black; houses, glass, stones. Pick one, and it probably applies to you. But not to me. Ok, and one or two other people. But especially not to me.

  4. Shut your pie holes, you whinging bastards. Let your silly little impotent anger flow through you, and use it to write these columns. It works for me.

Yes, I realize that I didn't, exactly, do what pouring oil on troubled waters is supposed to do. More like pouring oil on troubled waters and setting it alight, which results in troubled, fiery waters. But that's why you need a moral high horse, like the one I have. Erm...a moral high horse wearing asbestos horseshoes, or something. Or a moral high mecha horse, which transforms into a...I dunno, a moral high space fighter or something. A moral high stone-throwing space fighter.

Columns by Harlock