In May of 334 BC, just two years after ascending the throne of Macedonia, Alexander the Great fought one of the defining battles of the ancient world. He formed up his army on the western bank of the river Granicus, facing a line of Persian cavalry some one and a half miles long. He was outnumbered in horsemen by two to one and beyond them waited a second line of some eighteen thousand Greek mercenaries under Memnon, fighting for Darius III. Despite the fact that the Persians had been issued orders to seek out and kill Alexander himself, he led from the front, and with his famous Companion Cavalry, routed the Persians completely.
The door to the Darius' Persian Empire lay wide open and Alexander marched forward into history.
An interesting footnote to the battle is that after the Persians fled the field, they abandoned Memnon and his Greek mercenaries to face Alexander alone. Memnon saw the way the wind was blowing, and tried to surrender, but Alexander refused. He reasoned that if Memnon and his men had betrayed their countrymen once, they could do so again. The Macedonian army put every last man to the sword, although Alexander ordered they be given full military honors. Posthumously, of course.
He may not have been the nicest man in the ancient world, but boy, Alexander knew how to fight a war. They didn't call him "the Great" for nothing.
To be honest, I've always wondered if he referred to himself that way. I mean, did he introduce himself at parties as "Alexander the Great" ? How about booking a hotel room?
"Yeah, I'm looking to get away for a little vacation."
"Certainly Mr. 'The Great.' What size room are you looking for?"
"Oh, something the size of Asia minor would be nice."
Of course, Alexander wasn't the only historical figure given the definite article treatment. A whole slew of early British rulers managed to pick one up after their name. How about Ethelred the Unready? Edward the Elder, Edward the Martyr (not such a good one,) or even Edward the Confessor?
I rather like the idea of Edward the Confessor. He makes me think of those sad people who always turn up at police stations after a crime, to claim that they were the perpetrators. Of course, in his case it would be somewhat complicated by the fact that he's the King.
"Right, your Highness, so you donned a disguise so brilliant that it fooled the entire East coast of Yorkshire into thinking you were, in fact, four hundred hardened Viking Berserkers, bent on rape and pillage?"
"That's right, yes. That was me."
"Fine. Well, certainly makes our life a lot simpler. Um. Try not to do it again."
Richard I had probably the best epithet, with the rather catchy "The Lionheart." Of course, in the twelfth century getting called "The Lionheart" was predicated on a tendency to slaughter cities full of, well, anyone who got in the way. Still, it was probably great for impressing the ladies. If he wanted to do that sort of thing. Which, it appears, he didn't. Still, like Alexander, he was very popular in the ranks, if you catch my drift.
Kind of makes you wonder doesn't it? I mean, if history were going to remember you, what would it remember you as?
Cleary any hope of being "Lictor The Impaler", is pretty unlikely since that well known Eastern European noble "Vlad" has already grabbed it, and not for *any* of the right reasons. Well, unless your idea of fun is making people sit on wooden posts for the rest of their rather short, rather uncomfortable lives.
Truth be told, one has to do something pretty damn notable to get a "the" on your name and the sad fact is that for most of us, the only lasting legacy we will leave to posterity will be our credit history. Oh yes, don't think they'll ever delete *that* stuff. So, future generations will one day get to pore over my buying habits and learn more about me than, well, pretty much anyone currently alive would want to know.
Will I get "the" in my name? Maybe, but based on my Visa bill it'll probably be something like "Lictor The Thrifty" or "Lictor The Randomly Changes from Regular Quaker Oats to Raisin Variety." There are worse ways to be remembered, I suppose.
Now that I think about it, I better start using cash at the drug store.
I just don't want to be "Lictor The Afflicted With A Nasty Rash."
After all I've done for Mankind, that would really hurt.