This week's blind rant addresses the widespread misconception that somehow living in harmony with nature is a good thing, and specifically I'd like to use as an example the simmering disquiet over the proposed drilling for oil in Alaska.
Firstly, would all those readers who have visited the great Alaskan Wilderness please raise their hands? I suspect, and I may be wildly wrong here, but I suspect that not a great many people would have put their hand up. No sir. Not many at all. Can't say I blame you myself, since from what I understand it's an uninhabited wasteland of mosquito infested nothingness, but I guess people go to Slough too, so that can't be the only reason. (That's a UK joke. If you've been to Slough, then you got it. If not, be thankful you just sat there for thirty seconds wondering what the hell I was talking about.)
So, (and here's the question that I suspect may get me branded as a horrid right-winger with no soul and certainly no heart,) what's the big deal with drilling for oil there?
I mean, really? Does it matter? What's the problem? The swarms of foul blood sucking insects that make up the vast majority of the population aren't going to care. How about rare species of birds? Well, last I looked, they had *wings* didn't they? I mean, they can *fly* can't they? And the moose? Let's see. Their demands on life are, what? Grass and room to wander aimlessly about while digesting. Neither of which is likely to be significantly diminished by drilling a few oil wells. I shalln't even mention the bears, about whom I will be ranting at a later date. So come on, let's all just take a step back and relax.
It's not like the great wilderness is doing you any favors right now is it? When was the last time a wild animal from Alaska helped you with the groceries? Changed a tire for you? Or maybe a moose wandered past and whispered the winner of the next Kentucky Derby. No? Well then.
This all comes back, I believe, to this bizarre idea we've picked up in the late 20th Century and just can't seem to shake; that somehow nature is our 'friend.'
NATURE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.
OK? Got that? Technology is your friend. Steel, glass, rubber, fire, sharp sticks, nuclear reactors; these are your friends. Nature is your enemy. And if you're not convinced, well, let's take a look at the score sheet.
Bubonic plague? Nature.
Car seat warmers? Technology.
Malignant Melanoma ? Nature.
Personalized mobile phone covers in a variety of attractive colors? Technology.
Ring worm? Nature.
Air conditioned beer coolers? Technology.
nvCJD? Nature.
Tiny cameras you can hide in your pants? Technology.
The French? Nature. (Well, maybe. Hard to tell really. Possibly they fall into "Acts of God," along with volcanic eruptions.)
The hard, brutal fact is that if it wasn't for technology, nature would be squatting on our chests and gulping down our entrails *right now.* So, my advice to you is simple: Get the biggest damn SUV you can afford, or hell, can't afford, (Credit cards are another big win for technology there,) head on up to Alaska and start pumping oil like there's no tomorrow. If you see any bears, moose, mosquitoes or French on the way, well, let's just say no one will be asking any questions if you accidentally happen to 'bump into them.'
Get them before they get you, 'cos sooner or later that oil's going to run out and in the long, cold night that follows, it's going to be every species for himself.