My pants are loud today. I know it sounds like the kind of thing you end up saying if you've got a poorly written English to Bulgarian phrase book, but it's true. Loud. Not me, you understand, not the person wearing them, just the pants themselves. Specifically, the little zippy fly thing at the front (well, unless in some moment of caprice I decide to put them on backwards, but I usually save that sort of excitement for major holidays.)
I was in the bathroom earlier, (and for the record, that is the only place I unzip my pants during the workday,) and I couldn't help noticing that I was being excessively noisy. It was one of those moments when there was a deathly hush in the men's room. I wasn't alone, but I was the only one making any noise and that zip sounded like a sustained burst from a .50 caliber machinegun. I felt embarrassed. I felt like I should apologize to my fellow men's room visitors. "Sorry," I wanted to say, "it's not intentional. It's just the zipper." But I knew what they'd be thinking. "Sure," they'd think to themselves as I walked out the door, "sure, you're real sorry, Mr. I-want-all-the-attention-in-the-men's-room."
Anyway, this has led me to a quite brilliant idea. Now, if I were a venal money-grubber I'd keep this one to myself and make my fortune. But I'm not. I'm here to share, and this one's a gold mine: Musical flies. It's just that simple. If they're going to make a noise, well, then let's make them musical. What better statement could a man make about himself than picking his favorite tune to blast out from his groin every time he unzips his pants?
Initially we'd make a selection of likeable songs, possibly with lyrics, possibly just the tune, but I could see how pretty soon we'd be offering downloads for new hits and CD's with great 'zipper classics' on them. For myself, I'd rather like the "Imperial March" from Star Wars to sound whenever I unzip my pants. I just think it sets the mood. Possibly we could offer an optional extra to allow a different tune when zipping up. The national anthem maybe?
I imagine a wide variety of plug-in tune modules would sell well, some for formal occasions (a stirring march by Elgar perhaps?), some for regular workdays and some for dates (Barry White, I suspect, will see a sudden surge in royalties.)
I can't help thinking that the Village People are going to find the pant-zipper market rather lucrative too. "In the Navy" and "YMCA" could once again top the charts amongst certain segments of the population. Maybe Britney Spears could record a special version of "Oops, I did it again," to be triggered when guys don't quite get the zipper down in time. The possibilities are really endless.
Of course, hardware upgrades are also a possibility. Sub-woofers, I think, would be a neat touch, although possibly a little bulky. That being said, having a bulky groin isn't likely to upset most of the target market, and just think of the effect when that baby kicks-in.
Anyway, it's there in the public domain. Take it and run with it. Just remember where you saw it first. Oh, and a word of advice to aspiring entrepreneurs. Anything sung by the munchkins or Father Abraham and the Smurfs isn't all that likely to sell well. Avoid.