Apparently, I won't be retiring any time soon. Which seems a shame, since I'm uniquely qualified for a life of leisure, but there you go. I'll just continue to unnecessarily take up a portion of the job pool when I could be making way for someone younger, hipper and with a sharper hair-cut.
I've reached this conclusion over the past few months after careful deliberation and watching an episode of Lou Dobbs Moneyline. There's something not right with the stock market, you see. The 'not right' part being that everything I own shares in, or would own shares in, or indeed am even aware that you could one day buy shares in, is in desperate decline and will soon be forced to sell the organs of their long-time employees just to make enough to cover the Christmas party drinks bill.
However, despite the dismal performance of my one-time 'retirement account,' I've decided to take a more positive view of the world of high finance. Initially I tried using what is called a 'mattress account.' These, for any readers not fully versed in the full panoply of financial instruments, are essentially large bags stuffed with material on which you lie at night. The general idea is that you take disposable income and 'stuff' it into the mattress. This has the dual benefit of both protecting your liquid assets from the current turbulent markets and also making your mattress delightfully plump and firm. Unfortunately, I reckoned without the modern data-mining techniques available to the investment community. As soon as they realized what I was up to, a team from my financial planner's company came around and insisted on taking the money out again. They brought a very nice gentleman from the SEC who explained that it was perfectly legal and above board, and that to save time and brokerage fees in the future, it would be simpler if I just set the cash on fire in my garden and mailed the ashes in for filing. He also took $50 to help pay for some new golf clubs for Ken Lay.
Of course, they were doing me a favor in the end. You see, it's simple economics. The markets are going down. That's because people are selling. But if there are people selling, then there are people buying. Obviously the sellers are keener than the buyers, and that's why the prices keep falling, but here's my point: If there are people buying, who are they? Well, it hit me like a bolt of overcharged Texas electricity hits a California power grid, *I'm* the buyer. Me. That's the only thing that makes any sense. Well, now this puts the whole thing in a new light. See, the way I figure it, if the prices keep falling, and the markets keep selling, and I keep buying, pretty soon, I'll own the *whole* thing. That's right. The whole enchilada will be mine, all mine. I'll own it all. General Motors, Amoco, General Electric, Microsoft, Wal-Mart, you name it, it'll be my plaything. All of it.
And let me tell you, there's going to be a few changes too. Once I finally own all of the available companies in the world (and I'm figuring sometime by late January next year,) there'll be a lot less greed in the boardroom and lot more wearing amusing costumes and bizarre, personality-cult worshipping of yours truly. Since I'll pretty much own the capacity to manufacture everything, I'll start making some changes in your daily lives too. All TVs will be big screen, multi-channel wonders with flat plasma screens and integral surround sound processors. But they'll only pickup the TV channels I like, which is ok, since I'll own the TV stations too. Oh, and my face is going to be on everything. EVERYTHING. So, uh, get used to seeing me leering at you from your underwear drawer, for example. (That only applies to those of you who aren't already used to me leering at you from your underwear drawer. You know who you are.)
Anyway, since I won't be retiring, I guess running the entire economy of the planet is pretty much a close second. By the way, if you've got any suggestions for new products, services, or humiliating costumes to be worn by board members of the world's largest companies, please let me know now. I have a lot of planning to do before Christmas.