It seems that ice cream, like everything else, cannot just be what it is. In the insane drive to entice jaded consumers to buy product, folks have tried the faux foreign thing (Häagen-Dazs), the plucky small guy thing (Ben and Jerry's), and the diet thing (frozen yogurt).
In the relentless quest for something new, I've cooked up some innovative ice cream varieties:
French Onion: Beef stock and tender chunks of sautéed onion with a swirl of chewy, stringy cheese. Only 2750mg of sodium per serving.
Chili Cheese Dog: Cute 'n' tasty mini-dogs crowded in with a rich, Texas-style chili and heaps of aged cheddar cheese.
Teriyaki Chicken: Marinated chicken tenderloins grilled and slathered in rich, home-made teriyaki sauce, with sticky rice on the bottom.
Portobello Mushroom: Whole Portobello mushroom caps, marinated, grilled, and then arranged, parfait-like with chanterelle ice cream. Our favorite vegetarian ice cream.
Menudo: Authentic Mexican recipe! Hunks of prime beef tripe, calf's foot, and grits. Ay yay yay!
Chorizo: Another Mexican favorite! Authentic industrial recipe smuggled out of City of Industry, California, featuring choice cuts of pork salivary glands and lymph nodes.
Potted Meat Food Product: For our fans who couldn't get enough of our spicy chorizo and menudo offerings, this flavor packs more beef tripe, beef hearts, and defatted pork fatty tissue than you can shake a stick at. Our biggest seller at Wal-Mart locations nationwide.
Mu Shu Pork: Tart plum sauce, stir fried strips of tender pork and veggies, layered with Peking pancakes and fortune cookies (fortunes included!)
Braunschweiger: A delightfully spreadable confection of smoke pork livers and pork fat, enriched with eggs and milk. Also a huge hit a huge hit in Mexican restaurants, deep fried and served with onions.
Clamato: We only use the best part of the clam: the juice! Nothing says class quite like a heaping bowl of ice cream flavored with pureed tomato and clam juice.
Bacon: Sometimes our most inspired flavors are the most simple. Thick, meaty morsels of applewood smoked bacon, fully cooked but with the drippings mixed in so you get every ounce of that mouthwatering taste.
Gumbo: Let the good times roll! Authentic filé gumbo straight from the Crescent City. Packed with andouille sausage, tasso ham, and crayfish fat. No need to brave the puking masses on Bourbon Street! Experience New Orleans in a scoop of ice cream!
Broccoli: Another vegetarian favorite. Simple, natural boiled broccoli. Also available with a swirl of Velveeta brand cheese food.
Tuna Casserole: Brings back memories of church socials and PTA pot-lucks. Just like Mom used to make!
Sushi: Fresh slabs of maguro (tuna) and unagi (barbequed freshwater eel), flecks of nori (toasted seaweed), sprays of crunchy tobiko (flying fish eggs), and a swirl of zingy wasabi.
Lutefisk: In line with our wide variety of ethnic offerings, Norwegians should feel right at home with this confection of mustard, pepper, aquavit, and jellied cod that has been soaked in lye for a few days.
Thanksgiving Feast: Our pièce de résistance, oven roasted turkey swimming in pan gravy, oyster stuffing, mashed potatoes with extra butter, cranberry sauce, candied yams, corn, and pumpkin pie. No need to thaw anything! Just scoop and serve!
Pakeha