Toilet paper. Why the heck is it such a trial to keep toilet paper in the bathroom? I'm not complaining about anyone's behavior but mine. TP negligence is generally considered a male fault. Being male, I feel a need to own up to it, even though I don't understand it. As onerous as getting a fresh roll can be, there's nothing quite like cutting loose with a healthy, mind-altering dump only to notice the last few wisps on the cardboard tube. You would think that this would serve as incentive enough, but I still find myself dragging my feet. I can't help but suspect that there's a better way. Of course, some of the solutions to this dilemma are not exactly the most subtle. My wife has inherited the tradition of keeping a role of toilet paper covered with a knit hat thing that looks almost like a tea cozy. I'm not a big fan of this approach. Yes, it provides you with a convenient back-up supply in case the main roll runs out, but then you still have to trek to the linen closet and fetch a new roll to stuff into the tea cozy. Furthermore, because the most immediate need for toilet paper has been satisfied, I find myself less motivated to do all this after the fact. Meanwhile, you have a kitschy knit tea cozy thing in your bathroom. What's wrong with storing the TP in the cabinet under the sink? Well, I guess if the cabinet weren't already packed with tons of other crap it would be an option. Sometimes I long for one of those meter-diameter industrial rolls. I wouldn't have to change the paper but once or twice a year. However, the toilet paper dispensed from those things is usually not up to the task. You can see through the damned stuff for god's sake! Even if you do use enough so that you don't end up shoving your finger up your ass, the "paper" is of such poor quality that you might as well be taking the high spots off your sphincter with 80-grit sandpaper.
Now I once had a friend in high school that was a little obsessed with toilet paper. She posed the question: what do they use to stick the last scrap of paper to the roll? The reason for her interest, a reason that should interest all those who use paper to wipe their butts, is that no matter what the compound is, most people are desperate enough to use that last tainted square. Who knows what industrial adhesive the TP companies might use? What do they care? After all, who would be desperate enough to use the last tatters on a roll? This mysterious glue-substance could be the reason behind Alzheimer's, or Parkinson's, or WalMart as people subject their tender regions to the toxin-impregnated paper. Note that in countries where toilet paper's use is limited, such as Turkey and India, the incidence of Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and WalMart is much lower than here in the States.
While my wife and I were traveling through Turkey, we encountered a blessedly low number of squat-and-drop facilities. Most of the time, we had the pleasure of utilizing a slightly modified Western-style flush commode. I say slightly modified because the toilets unfailingly had a small tube that poked out the rear of the rim. Sometimes these tubes were a little overly obtrusive, really insisting that you use them as any Turk would. To sanitize in true Turk fashion, you use the water from the tube and your LEFT hand to scrub. Toilet paper, if used at all, is for drying. This is the reason that Turks don't do very much with their left hands. This is also the reason that, if you're a lefty, you have to try extra hard not to offend and disgust Turks.
A friend of ours and her sister where traveling through India. While on a train, they found themselves engaged in a discussion with an Indian gentleman about hygiene. The man was rather timid, but his raging curiosity forced him to ask the two American ladies if they truly used paper to clean their bottoms. After answering positively and abashedly, our friend and her sister were asked by the incredulous Indian if the paper managed to get everything. Our intrepid Yankee females set the record straight and learned that the reason for the man's disbelieving attitude was that he used the same water and hand technique as the Turks, except with a communal family bucket of water.
I present these anecdotes with no intention of passing any sort of judgment. Most people think that other cultures eat disgusting stuff (haggis, sea cucumber, chitlins, pork rinds, chorizo, head cheese, bugs, snails etc.). Hygiene is just as subjective. I can imagine that most folks in the States wouldn't take too well to slathering themselves with a mixture of cow dung ashes and cow urine. In some parts of the world, this technique helps prevent insect bites and subsequent diseases. But don't worry. You won't find a communal bucket at my house, just a tea cozy and a few shreds on the roll.
Pakeha