Cindy's child rearing advice struck a chord with me. Having just had my first child, I immediately recognized the sage wisdom lodged in Cindy's words.
I soon realized that, as important as it is to rear your children correctly, it's just as important that you make your children correctly.
So, in the spirit of knowing better than you, I present my all-inclusive, fail-safe advice on making love (or "screwing" for those of you who are not up on euphemism). My guidance may be less witty, subtle, and contradictory than Cindy's, but it's just as valid and useful.
When it comes to sex, it's imperative that you get your lady in the right frame of mind. Generations of horny, desperate men have found that alcohol is the ideal solvent for dissolving a female's resolve. Stay away from roofies. They may be the latest wonder drug of the date rape scene, but they'll send you to jail if you're not careful. There's nothing illegal about buying a lady a drink or eight. Stick to the old reliable.
Next, you need to make sure that your surroundings are conducive to red hot ugly-bumping. I've found that there's nothing quite like a stall at a roadside rest stop to get the passion juices flowing.
Finally, you have to consider those sweet nothings to whisper in her ear. Don't try too hard. If you sound awkward and forced, your mumblings will likely turn your woman off faster than a fart. Just tell her what's on your mind. Communicate your feelings and let her know what you want to do or, better yet, tell her what you want her to do, like "bend over."
You want this stage to be as short as possible. Therefore, I have few words: lot's of tongue.
Why bother with second base? Every one knows that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, unless you warp space to bring the two points together.
What we're talking about here is just about everything you can do with your clothes off without actually sticking it in, which is the point of this whole exercise.
A perfect resource for researching these activities is porn movies.
When you finally win access to nipples, twist them with gusto as if you were trying to tune an old-fashioned analog radio. With any luck, your efforts will be rewarded with howls of ecstasy.
If you go down on her, you should do a lot of biting and pulling. Treat your woman's pudenda like a big gummi worm. Hidden somewhere in all those folds of female flesh are the G spot and the clitoris. If you work that collection of parts quickly and vigorously enough, you're bound to hit something. Don't forget to use as many fingers as possible. The final touch to lend a perfect porn-flick atmosphere to the proceedings is to drop a big gob of spit in the area. This should come in handy later.
When she's going down on you, make sure that she goes all the way. If she doesn't deep throat you, she really isn't engaged and doesn't really love you. Of course, the reason why porn actresses are able to deep throat in the first place is because they are sword-swallowing circus freaks and because the guys with the monster penises are bored out of their gourds. So, if you happen to be hung like draught horse, you should be working to cultivate a similar state of detachment. If you're lucky, your woman will assume that there is something wrong with her and work extra hard to please you. If you're unlucky, your woman will dump you for a guy with titanium in his rod.
If you've done everything correctly up until now, you should be able to bust a nut in less than thirty seconds and fall into an immediate, coma-like slumber.
If you're unfortunate enough to not be a lightning-quick ejaculator and your big gob of spit runs out, you may be in for some trouble. As Sir Mix-A-Lot raps, you're "down to get the friction on". This is bad, bad, bad.
Several companies manufacture goop that they say is designed to lubricate your intimate moments. However, everyone knows that this stuff is for invalids, geriatrics, and gay sex. Why associate yourself with such disgusting people when you already have the perfect stuff in your medicine cabinet? "Short or fat, thick or thin, Vaseline will get it in." Barring that, just reach under the sink for that coffee can of bacon grease.
Soon you'll be able to get it over with and fall asleep.
Pakeha