As I munch through a bowl of Corn Pockets, I wonder why most businesses feel it necessary to ride the ragged edge between legitimacy and fraud in the language that they use. My cereal box screams at me "A fat free, cholesterol free food!" Now, if the average cereal were BacoCheese Nuggets or Cream of Pork Brains, then I would understand the helpful utility of such a statement. Granted, some cereals hide their fat, trying to masquerade in their control-top panties of "8 essential vitamins." Cinnamon Toast Crunch is one such cereal. Partially hydrogenated vegetable oil lurks in your bowl, eager to clog your arteries and tighten your jeans. In fact, after you finish a serving, your lips are smeared with a thin, protective layer of fat. It's the tasty alternative to ordinary lip balm. The only reason I can fathom for the grease is to keep the sugar coating clumped onto the cereal.

But the topic at hand is businesses and their pseudo-shady practices. Today I would like to focus on the mountains of crap that get stuffed into my mailbox.

Most of these junk-mail touts are painfully obvious, with patently stupid declarations on the envelope that the mailers hope will blast through your frontal lobes straight to your cerebellum where they will force you to open the envelope and accept their offer for a gold, platinum, titanium, or gold-pressed latinum card. Here are a few of the gems I've received lately:

• "Tampering with the mail is a federal offense punishable by 5 years in jail and fines up to $250,000."
  This reminds me of the warnings that used to be placed at the front of videotapes that made it sound like the FBI, CIA, and BATF were going to kick down your door, shoot your mom, and rape your dog if you made a copy of the tape. Yes, it is a crime to tamper with the mail, but it doesn't make the contents of that particular envelope any more valuable. The same laws apply to real-estate fliers and tampon samples.
• "U.S. MAIL: The enclosed documents are intended solely for the addressee listed and should be opened by the aforementioned only. Do not bend, fold, tear or mutilate."
  Again we have a perfect example of the bleedin' obvious stated in a manner that is intended to beguile the feeble-minded. Of course the enclosed documents are intended for the addressee. That's how the postal system works. You put someone's name and address on an envelope, ante up some cash for a stamp, and the post office puts it in that someone's mailbox. I particularly appreciate the use of a word with more than three syllables in it to give the entire notice extra legal weight. No one uses "aforementioned" except in a contract or in a courtroom. Wow. The contents of this envelope must be real special.
• "IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS ENCLOSED"
  It's almost gotten to the point that I automatically toss anything with this proclamation into the recycling bin. Sure, those documents are important. They're important to the fuckers who mail them out and hope against hope that you're stupid, naïve, or diligent enough to give them a look. I rue the day that my mortgage statement or something truly important to me comes with this on the envelope. I may find myself digging through waste paper trying to piece together all the tiny, torn pieces.
• "Dated Material."
  Another red flag for the recycle bin here. They play on the expectations of the receiver: anything dated must be important. In addition, the contents being dated lends an urgency to the situation. After all, if I don't eat that yogurt before the sell-by date, if I wait until the top has a little bulge to it, why then I have to throw it away. What a senseless waste! And now, here I have this envelope. I'm holding opportunity in my hand and I'm letting it slip through my fingers! It's more likely that the offer for a credit card is good only for a month, at which time they'll send me another offer just in case I hadn't noticed the last five.
• "Open Immediately."
  Now they rely on a good strong imperative. They must be hoping that if they didn't catch you with all the other snares for mental midgets, they might've at least softened up your resolve. By the time your scanning eye reaches the bottom right corner they're counting on you feeling a little worried, guilty, or maybe even a wee bit servile. OPEN IMMEDIATELY! Yes, massa! Whaddeva you says, massa! They can suck my left tit for all I care. Order me around? Command me to open their junk mail? I think not. Here's an imperative for the mass mailers: "Give yourself a flaming napalm enema!"

So there.

Pakeha