I've heard that goals are an important part of modern life. Goals present targets that inspire a person to strive. Without goals your life is either stagnant or chaotic. Either you are not changing or you are asleep at the tiller as Fate buffets your boat. Both situations are seen as being intrinsically bad. Change by its very nature is good. Everyone wants to believe that they are the captain of their fate.
So in the spirit of the thing, I've set my next major goal: become a professional hermit.
Why? Because the media is driving me frickin' nuts.
It was bad enough when I heard radio ads for Liverite that had me flashing back to the good old days when every street-corner huckster peddled a restorative that promised to cure every ill and that packed enough cocaine and/or opium to knock a horse's dick stiff. By the way, the link is not an endorsement. It's a virtual finger pointed in ridicule.
Now I'm being told that what I don't know could kill me. Dr. Craig Bittner assures me that a full body scan by his company will keep me from dropping dead from a burst aneurysm. I'm sure that if Dr. Bittner, who sounds a little too much like a surfer dude, had his way, every man, woman, and child in the country would be lining up for their scan, ready to hand over their $800 a pop. I can't argue that body scans can be a lifesaver, but the doctor's twisted logic reminds me of the smallpox vaccine. Some folks believe that every woman, man, and child should be vaccinated against smallpox, much as they were up until the 70s. The problem is that if you poke tens of millions of folks, a statistically small but absolutely large number of them are going to die from a reaction to the vaccine. If you expose tens of millions of people to the equivalent radiation of 1000 chest x-rays, don't you think that at least a few might be adversely affected? I hate to invoke the modern bogeyman of "radiation," but in this case I think it's warranted.
I think that all doctors should be banned from advertisements altogether. There's a reason you've never seen a dentist personally recommend a toothpaste. Doctors, for better or for worse, hold a respected role in society. That role shouldn't be abused. If Bill Cosby tells you to eat Jello pudding and you do, no big deal. If a doctor convinces an otherwise healthy person to pay the doctor for a body scan, I think a line has been crossed. Imagine the smallpox scenario with the doctor charging $1000 a jab.
In a similar vein, a local eye doctor advertises a revolution in patient success. He asserts that his patients experience "virtually 100% success! That's right 100%!" This prick is so greasy that you could press olive oil from his underwear. The lipid dripping doc rattles on about how this revolutionary success rate is due to his equipment and personnel. Of course you want to take your eyes to this Great Doctor! Not only are you 100% assured of getting 20/20 vision (how many folks would define "success") after a lifetime of looking through Coke-bottle-bottom glasses, but his lovely and/or beefy assistants will suck you off during the operation. Now that's service!
I wish I could remind all the folks with non-critical minds who hear this ad that "virtual" means "close but not". I'm sure also that folks are too excited about 100% success, being able to pick out Me109s better than Chuck Yeager in his heyday, and having a Kate Hudson lookalike bob their knob to hear the wee disclaimer at the end of the spot: "Success defined as 20/40 vision or better."
20/40 vision? What a crock of dung. I know that many folks would kill a barrel of kittens for 20/40 vision, but that's not what is implied by the tone of the ad. In other words, this mud crawler's ad is nothing but deception and bombast with enough weasel wording to keep lawyers off his pus slicked ass.
For a little perspective, here are the numbers from another doctor who is a little more honest and forthcoming about the results of the procedure:
| Pre-operative Myopia | 20/40 or Better | 20/25 or Better | 20/20 or Better |
| -1.00 to -3.00 diopters | 100% | 98% | 98% |
| -3.25 to -6.00 diopters | 100% | 98% | 86% |
| -6.25 to -9.00 diopters | 100% | 90% | 79% |
As a hermit, I would sit in my cave, surrounded by a cloud of my own redolence, much like Charles Schultz's Pig Pen. I would venture out on occasion to entertain visitors with a rolling of eyes, dancing about behavior. No news, no ads. Like ancient man I would only be aware of the changing of the seasons, except that if I developed a boil on my arse, the doctor would be just down the street, ready with antiseptic and antibiotics to ward of the horror of dying from gangrene of the buttock.
Paradise indeed.
Pakeha