When I started out this week, I was going to formulate a scathing condemnation of the microcephalic morons who contend that raw food holds the promise of curing all disease. One particular web site made my brain ache as I read it. I now know what it feels like to stand stiffly in Mr. Gumby's wellies. But there were just too many criminally stooped statements to riff on. I'd be here all night. Take, for example: "Thousands of years ago, our ancestors picked up the bad habit of cooking their food which has been passed down to us ever since. That bad habit, which neither we nor the scientists ever question, is the true source of most disease - directly or indirectly." Oh yeah, that "bad habit" that kills parasites and breaks down proteins and carbohydrates to make them more easily digestible. Argh!
Then, as I brewed a bag o' bile about tailgaters, I felt the urge to do more than just rant. I grew a little weary at the prospect of spewing the same old invective. I wanted to examine the problem and maybe get a handle on why people drive the way they do. Driving in traffic is a social situation in which you are forced into a group of complete strangers with no conventions to grease the skids or soften the edges. When you're behind the wheel, there are no preformulated relationships like merchant/customer or entertainer/audience to follow. Sure, you have laws, but those are only loosely enforced. The only rules seem to be "don't hit me" and "don't get in my way". Add this chaos the curious way that driving an automobile brings out behavior in folks much like wearing a mask and you end up with a big mess that is too strenuous for me to work out right now.
I briefly flirted with the idea of expanding an email conversation about the nature of jails, are they punishment or rehabilitation, but my critical thinking neurons didn't wake from their slumber.
So, as a last resort, I'm going to write about boobies. Well, not entirely about boobies, but boobies do tie in at some point.
See, my wife had me had me put together a "list" like that showcased on "Friends": the 5-10 celebrities that your significant other would allow you to schtup. Of course, this only works because you're unlikely to ever meet the people let alone get intimate with them. It's a silly, safe concession to horniness and the media's ability to seduce. It was actually difficult for me to compile a list. Most of the females trooped out recently to catch my attention and my consumer dollar really haven't done either. I guess I'm getting old or something.
In the spirit of full disclosure, unbridled lookism, and profound shallowness here are a few examples of my list-making difficulties:
Halle Berry - Someone explained to me that the reason she's so attractive is because her face is perfectly symmetrical. Whatever.
Gwen Stefani - Soon to be 33-year-old teenybopper. feh.
Julia Stiles - She's got a face that has all the definition of a sack of potatoes.
Julia Roberts - You can see the back of her skull when she smiles.
Kirsten Dunst - Near clone of Julia Stiles
Jennifer Aniston - eh.
Nicole Kidman - She had the presence of mind to drop the runty Scientologist and she has a cute butt (as evidenced by Dead Calm), but she's too mousy and earnest looking.
Kate Winslet - Too often looks like she's going to puke and too often shows her boobies
Kate Hudson - Ditzy. Cute, but "cute" really doesn't cut it.
Jessica Simpson/Mandy Moore/Britney Spears/Christina Aguilera - As sexy as a Barbie doll. She may have all the parts and be able to produce vaginal mucus, but otherwise she's plastic.
Ashley Judd - Once considered babe-alicious, but now has faded with increased exposure (and she's too closely related to Wynonna)
Sarah Michelle Gellar - Total hype. And she has a funky eye.
Reese Witherspoon - Awesome actress. Frighteningly young mother. Every time I see her I immediately thing "Chihuahua".
Jennifer Lopez - Way overhyped. Again, think "Chihuahua".
Natalie Portman - Also once the epitome of graceful shagability, now the fires burn low… I still have yet to see Episode II. Maybe when it comes out on DVD… maybe.
Angelina Jolie - Good actress and freak with lips that look like they suffer from elephantiasis
Gwyneth Paltrow - Vying with Callista Flockhart for stick insect status. Her boobies showed up way too often in Shakespeare in Love
Jessica Alba - hmmm… get back to me on this one.
The saddest cut I had to make was Catherine Zeta-Jones. She made her huge impression on me in "Darling Buds of May" around '91, before the Hollywood machine got their hooks in her. Then she had to go have sex with Michael Douglas and have topless photos taken of her... nothing like learning that the female you considered a goddess has droopy boobs and does the nasty with a guy who has as many wrinkles on his face as his scrotum. icky.
In the end, I listed women who I found interesting, like Kathy Griffin and Anna Paquin.
A friend reminded me that I'm "just thinking about giving them the ol' hot beef injection" and admonished me to "get a beer, grab [my] crotch, spit, watch some football, and redo [my] list." Maybe that'll be my next Cant.
Pakeha