Columnist for Wednesday, 5/16 - Sound and Fury

EMAIL VIOLATIONS

(here's a little something I send to people that send junk email...which is different than spam.)

WARNING!

You have violated section 42.85 of the SoundNFury email code.

In an effort to filter out the plethora of chunky jetsam floating through the Net, SNF has implemented a series of guidelines for receiving email.

Therefore, before you forward any email to SNF, please check the content against these criteria:

1. Is it a virus warning? If so, don't send it, because it's either
A. bogus
or
B. Relevant only for Windoze lusers. Those of us with the superior Macintosh can smugly shrug off 99% most viruses (since Macs occupy only about 1% the PC market).
Exception: If you sent me a file earlier, and you later found out it contains a virus, or if you think you may have sent me a virus, then tell me. I warned a friend when I found out he gave me the Word macro virus.

2. Is it a plea to help poor Johnny so-and-so get an "A" on his Internet science project? If so, don't send it, because it's either:
A. bogus
or
B. Only relevant five years ago when poor Johnny so-and-so sent this stupid idea out to the world.

3. Is it a message about some major corporation giving money to the masses for simply hitting a website or signing a petition? If so, don't send it, because it's either
A. Bogus
or
B. From some zaibatsu trying to get a million email addresses with which to bombard with even MORE junk email.
No exceptions here. I don't want anything from a corporation, unless it's a call to overthrow them.

4. Is it a "good luck" chain letter? If so, don't send it. Period. Thank you.

5. Is it a "you're my special online friend" story/poem/picture/ASCII text picture that you scroll down to reveal? If so, don't send it (unless you know FOR CERTAIN that it gives people seizures. In which case, I'll help you spread it).

6. Is it a petition for some worthy cause (supporting PBS, zero restrictions on the Net, supporting the NEA, making hunting right wing conservatives and Christians legal)? If so, don't send it. Although I would normally sign such noble endeavors, I doubt the validity and sincerity of them, as well as the timing. Unless the petition has a deadline, and an email from where it originated (or webpage),I simply suspect it as another "gather email addresses" rover looking to foist as many names into the "HOT YOUNG XXX TEENS!" spammer.

7. Is it a "life affirming story", such as the two hospitalized men, the guy that always chose to be happy every day, what best friends are, or something about treating people right, living life to the fullest every day, that kind of Stuart Smalley crap? If so, don't send it. My life's fine, aside from the clutter in my mailbox.

8. Is it a joke? If so, you MIGHT be able to send it...IF: It's so funny it makes you pee. And I want to smell it for proof.

In general:
Don't FWD me anything unless it's something about me (saw my name somewhere), about films (and I'll take anything in that category), or about you (getting famous, getting arrested, etc.).

However, anything YOU write yourself can be sent to me, even if it falls into one of the verboten categories listed above. If you write a schmaltzy "you're my special online friend" poem, I'll read it...then toss it, but at least I'll read before tossing. And I won't get angry at all, which is usually what happens every time I open the same damn poem about being great friends with someone you've never met.

Finally, most people apologize profusely to me after they get this. Don't worry about it. I still like you, just don't forward stuff to me. Have we gotten so lazy we can't write our own notes?

thanks you for your cooperation.

Have a simply SUPER day.
Kiss kiss

PS:
here is the list of emails I have received more than once and should be taken out of the Net (so if you get one of these emails, please, do NOT forward it on...let it die!!)

1. Jocks vs. nerds (Michael Jordan's salary vs. Bill Gates salary)
2. the joke about the stupid store clerk who could not accept an unsigned credit card
3. the two guys who die, one goes to heaven, one to hell. Guy in hell has keg with hole, chick without hole.
4. The anti-chain letter chain letter. The one that says "This is a big FUCK YOU to all those people that forward lame letters." Or whatever it says. I've gotten that one three times already. How ironic, isn't it, that something that is trying to discourage net junk is in itself net junk. It's like Kurt Cobain becoming his own antithesis, a rock star. Unfortunately, chain letters don't blow their own brains out with a shotgun when they realize they are hypocritical.
5. The list of weird things animals do (one line from it: "pigs have orgasms for 30 minutes"). It's not even completely accurate: according to the email, only humans and dolphins have sex for pleasure. Bonobos (chimp cousins) do, too. They have sex for everything, and a society with almost no violence whatsoever; and when there is, it's brief, because the females gang up and put a stop to the offending male.

I'm sure you can think up your own list of emails you've gotten more than once. Chances are, we did, too. Let them die.


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