Columnist for Wednesday, 5/30 - Sound and Fury

True Names for National American Holidays:

New Year's Eve: Get Stinking Drunk and Shoot Bullets Into the Air Like a Fucking Idiot Eve

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day: Nigger Got Shot So I Can Have A Day Off? Hmmm. Day

Valentine's Day: Depressed, Lonely, and Bitter day

President's Day: Only Some People Get This Holiday Off-Ha Ha Day

St. Patrick's Day: Puke Green Beer Day

Passover: Some Jewish Day

Easter: Go to Church One Day Out of the Year Day

Cinco de Mayo: Get Stinking Drunk for Some Mexican Reason Day

Mother's Day: Guilt Day

Memorial Day: Thank God for War Day

Flag Day: Show Your Jingoism Day

Father's Day: Get Mad at Dad for Deserting You Day

Independence Day: Blow Shit Up Day

Labor Day: Fuck the Boss Day

Rosh Hashanah: Some Jewish Day

Yom Kippur: Some Jewish Day

Columbus Day: Crush the Minority Day

Halloween: Hail Satan! Day

Veterans Day: Visit Grandpa in the Home Day

Thanksgiving: Get Stinking Drunk and Bitch at Your Family Day

Hanukkah: Jews Get Eight Gifts Week

Kwanzaa: What the Hell is Kwanzaa Week? Week

Christmas: Unbridled Capitalism Day


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