New Year's Eve: Get Stinking Drunk and Shoot Bullets Into the Air Like a Fucking Idiot Eve
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day: Nigger Got Shot So I Can Have A Day Off? Hmmm. Day
Valentine's Day: Depressed, Lonely, and Bitter day
President's Day: Only Some People Get This Holiday Off-Ha Ha Day
St. Patrick's Day: Puke Green Beer Day
Passover: Some Jewish Day
Easter: Go to Church One Day Out of the Year Day
Cinco de Mayo: Get Stinking Drunk for Some Mexican Reason Day
Mother's Day: Guilt Day
Memorial Day: Thank God for War Day
Flag Day: Show Your Jingoism Day
Father's Day: Get Mad at Dad for Deserting You Day
Independence Day: Blow Shit Up Day
Labor Day: Fuck the Boss Day
Rosh Hashanah: Some Jewish Day
Yom Kippur: Some Jewish Day
Columbus Day: Crush the Minority Day
Halloween: Hail Satan! Day
Veterans Day: Visit Grandpa in the Home Day
Thanksgiving: Get Stinking Drunk and Bitch at Your Family Day
Hanukkah: Jews Get Eight Gifts Week
Kwanzaa: What the Hell is Kwanzaa Week? Week
Christmas: Unbridled Capitalism Day