Sound and Fury - Column for 6/27

I can't think of anything to write. So here's a list of actual jobs I have done (in semi-chronoligcal order).

Delivered papers on paper route (and bike was broken, so I walked around with big heavy, bags on, smearing ink all over myself)

Worked in mail room for dad, stuffing envelopes (stock reports for rich people)

Swept floors of classrooms, cleared asbestos ceilings, dug ditches and laid railroad ties to keep mud from sliding into street and annoying neighbors, to pay way through high school.

Shelved books at library

Priced Orchard Supply Hardware

Poured piss in a urinalysis lab

Rebuilt (put books back in order) library of microwave company after it flooded, talked to manager about how he was a tin pusher (air traffic controller) and he only had two near misses and one emergency in his career (that’s good?).

Three years throwing hash at cafeteria on campus. Pumped out the fryers every Friday night (really, my best job)

Paid to have sex (condom research)

Paid to come up with T-shirt slogans (only one slogan was bought—"Tyrannosaurus Tequila—One Drink and You’re Extinct", but my friend and I made enough money off of it to pay for the beer we bought to drink while we came up with the slogans)

Wrote questions for kids learning/reading CD-ROM game (same company that makes "You Don’t Know Jack!" series, but this one was for educational market)

Tutored English to a Spaniard for two days

Video store clerk (year and a half, but only part time) Biggest problem: customers interrupted me from watching movies

Proofread gay porno catalog (had to quit…grammar was too terrible)

Full time position writing articles for Screen magazine (full time staff position, nine months under crazy-literally-editor) Magazine was voted in top 10 worst employers in Chicago (based on employee turnaround, benefits, work, etc.)

Full time position designing games for CD-ROM company, laid off with 2/3 of company when execs were caught embezelling

Paid to take drugs (muscle relaxants…fell asleep watching "Braveheart". Experienced hell under "vigilance" test)

Paid to get drunk (drunk driving research)

Paid for writing articles (various, here and there, over the years)

Production manager on terrible AFI thesis film

Personal assistant to producer

Assistant accountant for indie feature film

Personal assistant/office manager for indie film financing company

Copy writer for etoys website

Internet banner ad designer

Paid to get injected with unknown, new, experimental anti-Alzheimer's drug (required a week in a hospital)