Sound and Fury - Column for 8/29

Ozzy Osbourne is My God

Writers have to assume a lot of things. As you all well know, that makes an "ass" out of "U" and "me". Yeah.

So I have to assume that:

1. Y'all read my lame ass column.

2. Y'all noticed that I haven't been clogging the electronic fiber optics with my usual lame-ass poor prose, cliches, unoriginality and unprovocative thinking.

3. I also have to assume that you are all smarter than me.

Given those assumptions, I can rant about anything I want, because it's probably going to suck anyway. There's a certain exquisite freedom in knowing you can do wrong, and the Great Old One managing the free flow of ordered electrons will splay it on the World Wide TimeWaster anyway. I feel just like a network TV executive.

So here's a few things that have been on my lame-ass mind of late:

People begging for the woman in Seattle to jump off the bridge and commit suicide. Is this our decade's Kitty Genovese, or just another footnote to a falling and failing culture? (Harlan or Alan Moore need to write a great story to old gods about that newsbit)

The world is full of incompetents. Well, duh. It still amazes me every time I encounter it, though. In my job (which, you must all know, is a minor miracle, since I rarely, if ever, have a job), I have to pass students through an educational process whether they do the work or, furthest from anyone's goal, learn anything. In education now, schools ONLY want to get their tuition and throw the kid out to make room for the next one. It's only the renegade teacher that actually cares if they learn anything or not, and those poor idiots (teachers who want to teach) will only last a year or two before the system crushes them. And how did this happen? Lawsuits. Parents (and students) have started a fad of suing schools and teachers when they don't get their way. My aunt in-law, a Seattle area high school drama teacher, was taken to court because she did not cast one student as a lead in the play. Had nothing to do with the kid's talent, of course. Fortunately, the case was thrown out, but what about the next time? My current employer, a liberal arts college in Chicago (I'm working out of their LA annex) has been sued more than once by students who feel they "didn't get their money's worth" from a class. What happened to just falling asleep in lecture, writing scathing teacher evaluations or handing them rotten apples? WHAT HAS THE WORLD COME TO, AND WHY DO I HAVE TO BE A PART OF IT?!?

If you have a steady significant other, and you find yourself out with a friend of the opposite sex, and he/she is walking close to you, what do you do with your hands? I like holding my wife's hand as we walk because we're both pretty klunky, and holding hands makes for an artificial bumper, like those long rubber strips you put in the gutter of a bowling lane. (I don't mention homosexual relationships, because the public hand-holding dynamic of that is far different, as I think someone ranted about around these parts a spell ago). Is hand-holding a sign of an affair, or is it just safe walking? Is it better to plow into the person as you look at some stupid commercial brothel for overpriced slave labor fabrics butchered into the shape of "fashion"?

Ozzy is my god because he's not the anti-christ or the iron man. He's an old fatty who has not only ridden the Crazy Train too many times, now he's chief engineer.

Ok, I gotta go eat Cha Cha Chicken. Vote Karl in 2010!

Columns by Sound and Fury