Sun Ra - Column for 1/13

Half the Box

Well, I've reached the part of my See's candy box where only the yucky candies are left. It has always struck me as odd that See's candy assortments should contain disagreeable candy - I mean, it's candy. Shouldn't all candy be yummy? But no, there are apparently people out there who like things like dates and bitter nut mixes in their candy. So now I have to carefully suck the chocolate from the outside, and spit the bitter interior concoction into the trash.

You didn't think I'd waste perfectly good chocolate, did you? Oh no. You see, one thing I have learned out here on the East Coast is that there is such a thing as bad chocolate. That's right, not only is there bad candy, but there is bad chocolate.

Our landlady, who is in all other respects a decent sort, has given us a small box of drugstore-bought chocolates for each of the last two Christmases. And let me tell you, the damn things are worse than inedible. You eat one, and immediately regret it. Even if you spit the offending "candy" into the trash, your mouth is still whimpering and cringing for fifteen minutes afterwards.

I'm not sure who makes these things. They look, and by and large smell, like normal chocolate candies. Inside they offer various sorts of nougat or cherry or mint flavors. But they taste like the pickings from Beelzebub's anus. Sure, I understand that these are lowest-bidder candies. I went to business school, I know that a certain reduction in quality is expected when you lower costs. But there is also a threshold whereby a product ceases to be of any value whatsoever. And these chocolates blew right through that threshold and kept on divin'.

But the See's candies I have, being remnants from Christmas, are not like that. No, they are nasty because they were designed to be. Bizzare cherry-booze flavors and the aforementioned bitter walnuts apparently appeal to some people. You'd think these people might have been weeded out by consuming poison by now, but if so, no one has told the makers of See's candies about it.

And these people seem to come in all stripes, since I'm really only able to enjoy about a quarter of the box. The marzipan, the chocolate nougats, the bordeaux, the butterscotch, those malt brittle things, the chocolate covered almonds, and a few others. Okay, maybe more like a third of the box. But it's still a shame that the sample pack is so poorly aligned with my tastes.

And I doubt it aligns well with yours, either. You don't eat more than half the box with relish. Admit it. Even if you are some sort of taste pervert, like one of those people who likes salty black licorice, you don't like the whole box of See's candies. No-one likes the whole box.

Still, some of them are quite tasty - and since they were a gift, I'll just suck the chocolate off the bad ones and be quiet. Mmm.

- Sun Ra

P.S. Whitman's candies suck ass.

Columns by Sun Ra