Columnist for Monday, 3/12 - Sun Ra

The Don't-Fall Guy


I'm not very good at this public speaking stuff, so forgive me if it's a little choppy.

You don't know me. You know my boss.

See, I'm the number two guy. I'm the guy that builds and troubleshoots the equipment, that wrangles the minions, that stocks the tanks of piranha. I'm the guy who fetches the dessicated corpses of the first six secret agents out of the tick pits.

No, don't call me a henchman. I'm a professional. If Doktor Maleficent, or the Chartreuse Pillbug, or Abominus, or whoever I'm working for so much as hints that I'm a toadie or a roustabout, I'm outta there. And they can kiss their giant lasers goodbye.

But they never do. They need me. They can have all the great plans they want, but someone has to take the allen wrench and the needle-nose pliers and build the thing. Someone has to know where to obtain goons who will dress in leather uniforms. Someone has to know how to calibrate the gonad remover.

That's where I come in. Like I said, I'm a professional. I don't care if they got their money from mining diamonds in Skull Ridge or from a global chain of laundromats. Once I know it's good, I give them what they want. Their shot at the Big Time.

And I can do it all. I know the dust issues that a giant particle resonator on the moon will face. I know which codes the NSA has broken, and which they haven't. I can build a sea cave with a twenty foot video screen as easily as I can obtain genetically engineered weevils with a taste for human flesh.

I have tons of experience.

See, that's the other real perq of my job. I do it, I get paid, and I go home. I get to watch the explosions on teevee. When the Silver Agent or the Righteous Dynamo or Team 9 finally save the day, and all those thugs are defeated and the Quantum Bomb is deactivated and Lord Kaos is blown up in his escape shuttle, well, I'm in my La-Z-Boy with my feet up and a Bud in my hand.

They always ask me to stay. But I ain't stupid.

And the next paycheck is only a few months and a radioactive mosquito away.

I make those, too.

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