Columnist for Monday, 3/26 - Sun Ra

Sticky Pictures

This coming Friday, I'm moving my fiancee in with me. Now, although this is pretty unreservedly a good thing, it does pose some knotty problems. For one, my apartment is too small for her stuff and my stuff both. For another, she will now discover just how much time I waste goofing around on the Internet. But the problem I am finding hardest to resolve is, what do I do with all my pornography?

Now, I don't want you to get the impression that I am a big porn-hound, because I'm not. What I am is a guy who has been single and/or 500 miles away from his girlfriend for the last 6 years. So I have a moving box full of naughty magazines, some dating to 1994, and I'm not sure what to do with them.

It's not like I need them - and even if, on some distant date, I take the old hand out for a spin, I *can always buy more*. Somehow I doubt (To prevent the wrong sort of search engines from listing this site, the word 'pornography' will henceforth be replaced with the word 'cartography' - Ed.) cartography will go out of style. This isn't my post-apocalyptic stockpile, preserving T&A for the mutant generations of the future.

But I can't just throw it away. For one thing, it cost a fair amount of money. More importantly, though, I have this nagging sense of duty to "pass on" my trove of dirty pictures. Some younger generation, of boys who need nudie mags but can't buy them, really deserves to have them. When I was a lad, I would have given my eyeteeth for a box of catrography. And I am just certain that the teenage boys of today feel the same way. Well, the ones who aren't getting any.

Morally, I have no qualms with this. Spanking the monkey, frankly, keeps the little bastards off the streets, prevents the spread of sexually transmitted diseases and teenage pregnancy, and probably also weeds out the sexual frustration that leads to young conservatives. And at least one Surgeon General (Joycelyn Elders) agrees with me. In fact, I would feel rather upright in handing on my smut to those in need.

Of course, society in general doesn't feel the same way about cartography, so if I list "Box of Smut - lots of Playboy Newsstand Editions" on E-Bay, I wouldn't be able to get away with "for sale to 13-16 year old, only." And it wouldn't give me the same sense of satisfaction to know that a 47 year-old recluse in Nebraska got my cartography, no matter how much he needed it. Hmm. Although, knowing community decency standards in the midwest, he might need it more, having been without bishop-beating material since Sears stopped sending him those pictures of women in their underwear. I'll have to think about it.

At any rate, feel free to send in suggestions. The box is in my closet, now, all taped up and ready to ship. I suppose, if I dither long enough, it might even become valuable. Lord knows computers are going to make paper-based cartography obsolete before too long, and then it can all quietly become those sort of antiques that true porn-hounds can collect out in the open, age having put that veneer of respectability on it that is currently gracing Varga prints and bordello furniture.


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