Columnist for Monday, 4/23 - Sun Ra

Liberal Pirate Radio (Part VIII)

"... and I think we should dedicate that segment to all you lefties who said 'the hell with compromise' and voted for Nader. I hope you bastards are happy. You know, when they founded this, the greatest of all countries, they did so through the generous use of compromise. Everyone gave up a little of what they wanted so that they could get some other subset of what they wanted, and... oh, the hell with it. The people I'm ranting at now are just a bunch of self-righteous twats who don't understand how the world works anyways.

And speaking of, let's skip over to another one of my favorite topics, recently brought up by a promotional visit by Charleton Heston to this sunny little burg. Yeah, you got it - gun control.

Since he didn't say anything that he hasn't already said several thousand times before - yes, that's right listeners, yours truly went and sat through a pep rally consisting of the sort of neanderthal men that comprise the modern NRA, men who find challenge in doors that only swing one direction and who haven't read anything longer than a beer label for years. Why did I do it? Because I care about my listeners. And because, frankly, nothing can recharge the old bile bags faster than listening to those wanna-be Rambos bluster masturbatorily about how much they love killing intruders to their homes, if they'd ever show up.

Sorry - got off on a bit of a tear, there. So anyways, since it was all old news, I wanted to use this time to pull back a bit, and look at the whole festering issue from a more holistic point of view. Recently, I was reading some commentary on Washington's Farewell Address (which was actually more of a farewell letter, and which, if you have not read it, you should - it ranks up there with the Gettysburg Address in its simple yet eloquent way of stating the truths upon which our country is based), and I found myself thinking that, for almost seventy years after he wrote it, half the country still kept slaves. And defended eloquently the uprightness of doing so, basing slaveholding on the Bible time and time again.

Yeah, you can see where I'm going with this. 'What issue,' I asked myself, 'will people in a few hundred years be wholly united in seeing one side of, and be morally repelled by the other side?' And that issue, of course, was obvious. Gun control.

In a few hundred years, Americans of all stripe will be simply aghast that we in the present had allowed guns, particularly those designed solely to kill other people, to proliferate in our society. The hell with "trigger locks" - there is no reason for anyone in this day and age to own anything other than a hunting rifle. The "self-defence" argument is bullshit. First of all, it's your stolen gun that is being used to rob someone, and secondly, what you are actually saying is that our institutions have failed to the point where they aren't protecting you. And listen to me here - that's a different problem. You solve that by fixing the institutions. You don't solve it by saying "fuck society, I'm going to get me a gun. And when that gets stolen, I'm getting another, because now it's more dangerous out there."

Whew! Sorry, still a bit riled, I see. Anywhoo, as I was saying, basically Charleton Heston and his ilk are going to be the pro-slavery party in the eyes of the future, using their energy and voices to fuck things up for all the rest of us against all common sense. I don't need to debate small numbers, here. England has restrictive gun laws, very restrictive, and has under a hundred shooting deaths a year. We have twenty-five thousand. Twenty-five fucking thousand shooting deaths. It's inexcusable, and for pretty much any advanced country other than ours, inexplicable.

Oh, and for you who fear the government is going to come and, I don't know, enslave your women and strap you to a big turnstile in Conan-esque fashion, I have one thing to say: Grow the Fuck Up. Read something besides survivalist propaganda and break out of the little self-centered world in your mind, where you are the hero and the Big Evil Forces are trying to get you, and think about stepping out here with the rest of us and working to make things better.

Huff. Yeah, yeah, I know I'm preaching to the choir. So, for all of my listeners who are tired of me ranting at people who aren't them, here's something fun to bring up in your next letter to the editor. I've got a list here of schoolyard shootings - it only goes back to 1996, but it's enough to show a fun pattern. Lemme rattle some off:

February second, 96 - a 14 year-old kills three in Moses Lake, Washington. February nineteenth, 97 - a 16 year-old kills two in Bethel, Alaska. October first, 97 - a 16 year-old kills two (well, three, but only two at school) in Pearl, Mississippi. December first of 97, a 14 year-old kills three in West Paducha, Kentucky. March twenty-fifth, 1998 - two boys, eleven and thirteen, kill five in Jonesboro, Arkansas. April twenty-fourth, 98, a teacher is shot to death by a fourteen year-old in Edinboro, Pennsylvania. May nineteenth, 98 - an eighteen year-old kills one in Fayetteville, Tennessee. May twentieth of 98, Kip Kinkel kills his parents and returns to school to kill two more in Springfield, Oregon. On April twentieth, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold kill fifteen in Littleton, Colorado.

Shit, this is getting depressing, and I just now reached two years ago. Well, I'm just gonna jump to the punch line here, folks. All of the counties in which these murders occurred have above-average gun ownership rates. Yes, that's right. They all have more gun owners per capita than the national average. Which leads me to say just one thing:

Your Neighbors. Are Arming Their Children. To Kill Your Children.

Yeah, I thought that would get a rise out of you. No, it ain't their goal. But that's what's happening. Where do you think these kids are getting the guns? From family. Teenagers have always had a percentage of those who lash out against the shithole they feel their life has become. But now, guess what? They have guns. And your children go to school with them.

Bring that up at the PTA meeting.

Oooo-kay, that was pretty unhappy, so let's move right along to another topic. In fact, let's go to the phones. I have my long-suffering assistant here to try and weed out the cranks, at which she is remarkably good. So, my question to you is: just how much of an idiot is our new president? We'll be taking calls for the next five minutes..."

Note: The opinions of Liberal Pirate Radio happen to very similarly reflect those of this station, but are phrased in such undiplomatic terms that we in no way endorse them or take any responsibility for them whatsoever. - The Management


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