Sun Ra - Column for 4/7

'Save the Children' my Shriveled Left Nut

Once again, it's time for Uncle Rayman!

"Let me tell you something. I was watching teevee yesterday, and the History channel was presenting 'Hitler's Secret Cousin' for a fucking third time, so I flipped down to the networks. I avoid 'em, mostly, because all they show is melodramatic trash. And sure enough, I get to CBS and find some damn woman pleading with me to send money to some damn third-world hell-hole to help feed a child. It's just the sort of clap-trap Hilda is always falling for. Oh, the poor children. Oh, just a dollar a day and they could have food. Don't they look so loveable and sad? Just a dollar a day.

Well I say Fuck Em.

What is it with people and children anyways? I mean, shit, it's not like children are somehow better than adults. The little bastards don't contribute shit. Consume, consume, consume - that's all they do. Little loud bags of snot. And I'm supposed to feel sorry for them? I'm supposed to send them money? For what? I should pay them for being such a nuisance?

Don't get me wrong, I don't think we should get rid of all children. I'm not Tojo or something. It just throttles my chicken that everyone feels that children are so damn special. Like they're anything other than larval adults. Why the hell doesn't Suzanne Somers or who-the-fuck-ever ask me to send Abu the hard-working field laborer money? There's someone who deserves it. Not the fucking children.

And have you noticed that the people who think "oh, the children" are the same damn ones who try to make abortion illegal time and time again, because that little ball of oblivious cells will become a person. Well, it ain't now, is it? Shit. But children are special. Lord knows they never grow up. Grown-ups can fucking starve. But not children.

Sure, your children are special. I get it. I've had kids. Four of the miserable little bastards. We're not talking about your kids. But the idea that someone you don't know is special just because they are a child - bah! An adult - an adult you can talk to. An adult can do things for you. But children just run around and fuck shit up. Break windows, mess up your lawn. They're worse than pets, because you aren't allowed to just turn the hose on them.

Because they're special. They're innocent. What a crock of duck spunk. Like being 'innocent' is a good thing. 'Innocent' just means that they don't know about the bad things that could happen to them. It means that they are unrestrained. It's not like they don't know how to be evil - children are evil in its purest form. You've seen the little bastards torturing cats. Don't tell me kids aren't evil. They're born evil. The first thing a baby does when you pick it up is try to claw your damn eyes out. But that's okay, because it's innocent. What a pile of ass maggots.

You people just like innocence because you wish that you were innocent, i.e. that you hadn't experienced burning your hand on the stove or getting your backside stropped so hard you thought it would ignite just because you stuffed the dog's ass full of bread crusts. Innocence is bad. Experience is good. Experience lets people get along together. When kids get their legs gored by the pointy stakes in my hedge, it teaches them to stay out of my damn yard. And that's what we all want. People you can get along with.

So it really gargles my balls when I'm watching the news and they say that the children in Africa or wherever have it tough. So the fuck what? Everyone there has it tough. Why the fuck should children be so special? It's not like they are making the situation any better. And, of course, it's not like they are going to run out of them. Talk about something they seem to be able to make in great profusion. Food, shelter - those seem to be in short supply. But they always seem to come up with more mouths!

And it's not like helping a damn child is going to lift the third world out of poverty. In fact, it's going to sink it deeper. Because as soon as they are teenagers they pick up AK-47s or start popping out more kids. That kid you are feeding is tomorrow's machete murderer. At least if you support grown-ups you know if they are worthwhile or not. Who can tell with kids?

But look - they're soooo cute! Look at their big sad eyes! What garbage. Look at their flapping, whiny, ever-hungry mouth. Give your damn money to a college fund or something, woman! Don't spend it widening the rat hole. Shit.

At least dogs pull sleds."

- Sun Ra

Columns by Sun Ra