Sun Ra - Column for 6/10
Many Hands makes Light Work
You can't do everything. It's a serious problem. You want - no, you need - to have your Meson Pulse Vaporizer (1) up in time for the summer equinox, but obviously your two hands, or even your eight hands, aren't enough to do it. Especially if Trouble in the form of Do-Gooders comes knocking. You can't build your technology, research your science, defend yourself, and concoct schemes all at the same time, no matter how many Extra Brain Cartridges (2) you may have.
You need minions.
And we here at the Mastermind Actualization League (MAL) are here to help. We can connect you with the absolute best minions available. Minions who can not only build your underground lair or cloud city, but who can defend it from uncooperative governments, debonair secret agents, or enemy mole men. The following list is just a small sampling of the types of assistance we can hook you up with.
The most popular and easiest sort of minion to get, humans who share your moral flexibility can be your best tools to get the job done. They are often underestimated because of their similarity to the rest of the populace, but a good human minion can be worth his/her weight in robots.
At a moment's notice, MAL can provide you with any of the following:
And these are just a few of the galaxy of human minions we have available.
Ranging from mobs of undisciplined thugs who will fight for alcohol, to world-class killers who ask only that you assist them in achieving vengeance, to money launderers willing to do anything for another few zeros on their paycheck, Humans are the most versatile type of minion available today!
- Nazi Frogmen
- Leather-clad Amazons
- Uniformed Goons
- Tattooed Fanatics
Robots never, ever question you. This is viewed by some as a liability, but by the true mastermind (who is, obviously, infallible) as an ironclad guarantee of success. MAL can supply you with robots for every purpose, ranging from almost-human AIs to flying buzzsaws designed only to decapitate anyone in the pit. Robots are the very essence of MALs three pillars (Science, Minions, Genius) in one obedient package. And, for the mastermind who counts his change (a sad necessity in these days), robots provide top-calibre help at almost zero variable cost. You don't feed 'em, they don't sleep, and if you opt for some of our Extreme Tech
(3) level equipment, they may not even need external power. Robots will carry out your bidding forever, in a way that few other minions can.
They're like robots, but they are much, much cheaper. If you also have human minions, zombies can offer a sort of "re-treading" for your investment, extending the minion's useful life. And zombies offer the mastermind that certain satisfaction of employing former enemies. Seeing the former tax man now mindlessly tightening bolts on your Zebulon Core Devolver (4) can provide a warm glow that few other minions provide.
Of course that's not all! No matter what your specific sort of minion need is, MAL can find them for you! Winged hawk-men? No problem. Giant amoeba? Ask Dr. Herving-Flexxler - he already has hundreds of them working on his World Molecule project. Whatever your project, whatever your situation, MAL can connect you with the help you need.
From armies of thousands to that single, reliable right-claw man, the right assistance is invaulable. Contact MAL today for a free consultation regarding your minion needs. When you are absolute ruler of all you survey, you'll be glad you did!
1. Available from MAL's science division.
2. Available from MAL's science division. Call us today!
3. Available from MAL's science division. Nuclear, Neutron-Quark Sublimative, or Advanced forms of power generation are all options.
4. Available from MAL's science division. You don't even know what it does, but you want one, don't you?
Columns by Sun Ra