Sun Ra - Column for 7/8

Uncle Rayman on:

'All these Damn Colors'

Let me tell you something. There are too damn many colors today. When I was growing up, we had Red, Blue, Green, Yellow, Orange, and a few other, lesser colors that only homos and avon ladies used, like Pink and Purple. And that was just fine! We had all the colors we needed, thank you very much. We got along perfectly well!

But that wasn't good enough, oh no. Then "science" had to get involved. I tell you, it's always "science" going and screwing things up for the rest of us - if it weren't for "science", none of us would have to worry about the a-bomb, NAFTA, or telemarketers. "Science". Huh.

Anyways, at first they decided to tell us that there was a "spectrum" of colors, which was okay, since it basically meant putting the existing colors in order. Although it also gave official status to "indigo" and "violet" - both of which are a fruity color to begin with. In fact, the fact that the "scientists" gave not one but two slots to Purple should have warned us right there that they were godless communists, atheists, and homos.

Because once they opened this pandora's box with their "spectrum", telling us that there were an infinite variety of colors down in between the real colors (like fractions, another "scientific" invention), then all kaleidoscopic hell broke loose. Pretty soon we had peuce and mauve and periwinkle and crimson, and then they had to start giving colors adjectives like 'powder' blue or 'robin's egg' blue or 'hunter' green or 'bend me over and give it to me' pink... it makes me sick. Sure, the sellers of paint and crayons and fabrics need to expand their inventory somehow, but they should have just numbered things like a good American and not gone around making up names. And don't get me started on the cosmetics people.

And it's gotten worse! Now they are mixing up other properties with colors! Like metal - now they want us to believe that copper and brass are different colors! And what about this "day-glo" bullshit? Mixing color and radioactivity - another product of "science"! Hell, I saw a road worker yesterday in a "day-glo" yellow shirt instead of the orange vest that nature had intended - the man looked like a God-Damned Peep! All round and soft and bright yellow... it was disgusting.

See, the food industry got it right. If you absolutely must differentiate between two different colors, just number them! Red Number 5! Blue Number 4! Now that's American! Why in God's name we need "cornflower"... And another thing! Now people expect us to match all these new colors. Time was, a brown shirt was a brown shirt. Now if it's not just the right shade of umber, it doesn't go with your tie! What bullshit!

Please, lets put some sanity back in the palette. I want an immediate resolution that bans any color whose name is more than one word, and any color invented after 1900. No, after 1800. Blue, Red, Yellow, Green, Orange, Brown... and that's it! Leave the other colors for the artists and the homos. And no 'intense' colors, either. No day-glo, psychadelic, luminescent, or any of that shit that glows under blacklight.

Blacklight! There's another perversion that "science" has given us! Different types of light? Don't get me started!

Columns by Sun Ra