Sun Ra - Column for 9/16

The Abettor Letters Page

Carpe Pluma

Letter column of The Abettor, the official journal of the Mastermind Action League!

Hail! It's been quite a month for letters - the opinions on the August Abettor's article about Environmental Blowback ranged from complete agreement to four, count them four, letter bombs - one of which had a chronological syncretion pulse and turned our letter-opening intern into a two-month old child! To be honest, it warmed our hearts. That's what we here at the Abettor are all about, presenting information that is of interest to you, the Mastermind! Anyway, without further ado, on to this month's (non-explosive) letters!

Dear Abettors,
I agree wholeheartedly with the conclusions you reach in Side Effects: Environmental Consequences of Poorly-Designed Schemes. Although there is something to be said for failure which prevents others from attempting their own global conquest, scorching the earth is not the way to do it. If your goal wasn't to destroy all the plantlife in Alabama, you shouldn't wind up doing it by accident. Frankly, it's just plain tacky.
Jackson T. Jackson
Boca Raton, FL, USA

SIR - Your article on Environmental Blowback was well presented and most thought-provoking. However, although you cite the Crimson Zulu's accidental destruction of all the melons in South Africa, you did not observe that it was the specific use of peroxide by the accursed Captain Bonhomme that lead to the mutation of Zulu's formula. It seems unfair to castigate an otherwise forward-thinking Mastermind for negative effects which were not due to his own actions, but due to the way in which he was foiled.
Mount Juminjaro, Tanzania

Thank you for your observation, Magnor. You are quite right - much of the blame for the 'melting melon' disaster (and do not forget that said melons became intensely radioactive for a fortnight) must lie with Captain Bonhomme. - Ed.

What snivelers you are! Worrying about 'environmental blowback'! What sort of cowardly milk-sots have you become? Whatever happened to the attitude you espoused back in March in your article Eyes on the Prize? Bothering with paltry side effects is unimportant - the true genius focuses only on his goal, with unwavering laser-like determination, until it is mine! MINE, I TELL YOU!
Lord Alphabet
Undetermined Location, USA

Dear Abettors,
Although I had scored highly on your Mastermind Self-Assessment (February issue - Ed.), I was at a loss for how to approach this new vocation, until Mad Science Start-Up appeared in your most recent issue. I followed the steps you outlined, starting with 'Acquire Start-Up Capital' and moving through 'Develop Unethically Powerful New Technology'. Currently, I am recruiting minions and establishing a regional power base.
I have a problem, however. Having chosen the 'corporate false front' approach, I now find that my front company is quite successful - in fact, it looks like I will be a millionaire before the year is out. Unfortunately, I find that this success is eroding my desire to Conquer the World! What should I do?
Bill 'Black Edge' Nielowsky
Portland, Oregon, USA

Dear Black Edge - think about the people who mocked you. Who taunted you. Who made you so angry. You hated them so much, didn't you? Don't you want to Show Them? To make them lick your shiny black boots? Yes, we thought so. - Ed.

Dear Abettors,
In your August issue, in the article on Control through Recreational Drug Use, you mention once again that you feel Culture is the most powerful means of mind control. Why do you advocate the use of mass media to control the moronic, cow-like populace? Why not use orbital mind control satellites and cut out the middlemen?
Janet Fang
Edmonton, Canada

Dear Ms. Fang - it's all about resistance. Conquer through people's own frailties, and they won't stir from their La-Z-Boys. (And kudos to Doctor Z for that invention, by the way.) But challenge them directly, overtly, and all the Meddlers and Do-Gooders in the world will be after you. - Ed.

SIR - Thank you for your excellent article Nazi - why Ideology is for Minions, not for Masterminds. However, Berlin is at thirteen degrees twenty-five minutes east longitude, not at thirteen degrees five minutes. Thank you.
Doktor Schrecklich
Cologne, Germany

It is now. - Ed.

Dear Abettors,
Please advise your readers to put some thought into the use of psuedonyms. Once your name has been used in infamy, even in local papers, it's very hard to change.
Dr. I. M. Pulchitrudinous
Bintsville, Illinois, USA

Dear Abettors,
In your August issue, you printed the joke "There are 10 kinds of people in the world - those who understand binary, and those who don't." But that leaves eight kinds of people unaccounted for! Please explain.
Mister Naughty
Houston, Texas, USA

No. - Ed.

Well, that's it for this month! Please keep sending in your letters, emails, animal heads, and explosive devices! We read and/or experience them all! Until next month, Carpe Mundum! - Ed.

Columns by Sun Ra