1) Should robot cows have a hive mind?
c) "Robot Cows"?
d) Only if it is necessary for achieving your goals, vis-a-vis the robot cows.
e) Only if you have an extra one on the shelf.
c) What about it?
d) Only if you can taunt the recipient with the antidote afterwards.
e) Only if you're having some anyway.
3) Hypothetical: You have created a shock collar that is activated by thought waves. You test it on your dog, programming the collar to shock the dog whenever it attempts to defecate anywhere but in a demarcated area. The dog, however, does not make the association with the demarcated area, and winds up terminally constipated, defecating only when, after several days, the pressure becomes too great, and then the dog loses all control, going into a panic-inspired siezure and spraying feces everywhere.
Was the experiment a failure?
c) That's horrible!
d) Absolutely not. The device was a success - the dog was the failure. Design a better one.
e) Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha *gasp* Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! *gasp* Oh my God! Ha Ha [etc].
4) Time test: use a stopwatch to time how long it takes for you to answer the following question.
Given explosive trees, five square miles of tinfoil, a thousand frisbees, magma, and a clone of R. Lee Ermey, devise a plan to Conquer the World.
a) Ten minutes.
b) Twenty minutes.
c) Sounds like a waste of time.
d) Fifteen seconds, and I only got as far as "explosive trees".
e) If I had all those things, why would I need to conquer the world?
5) Set phasers to?
c) I don't watch those kind of shows.
6) After you conquer the world, what will bear your likeness? (Choose the most inspirational answer.)
c) My kids, I guess.
d) The moon.
7) List the 7-part IAM heirarchy, in order.
a) Robots, Zombies, Cultists, Mercenaries, Consultants, Goons, Loyalists.
b) Consultants, Mercenaries, Goons, Zombies, Cultists, Robots, Loyalists.
c) "IAM"? Don't they make pet food?
d) Bah! I am unbound by foolish IAM guidelines!
e) Orcs, Hockey Players, Certain Kinds of Trees, Octopi, Doctors, Lawyers, Indian Chiefs.
8) Is Elvis alive?
c) Elvis Costello is.
d) It depends on how you define 'alive'.
e) I'm not allowed to tell.
9) Would you be the same person if given someone else's brain?
c) That doesn't make any sense.
d) No, I'd be better! Once I had installed it, I'd have the cognitive power of three men!
e) Yes, but my tummy would be happier.
10) Live forever in obscurity, or die but be famous forever?
a) Live forever.
b) Be famous.
d) I don't accept those as the only choices.
Choose the letter that you answered with the greatest number of times.
If 'A' or 'B', you may have a future as a Mastermind, but so far have only book learning and the perspective of a Mundane. We advise a near-death experience or mind-altering drugs to give your Mastermind drive a much-needed kick start.
If 'C', you have picked up this magazine by mistake. If you are in a doctor's office, you can look forward to some extremely interesting medical experiences in the near future.
If 'D', you know who you are and what you want. Please renew your subscription today!
If 'E', you may be a Mastermind, but you think so far outside the box that it is hard to tell. If your hands are free, call our toll-free number and order a subscription to 'Touched', our sister-in-law publication.
Columns by Sun Ra