So I had a ton of ideas for this week's column, but I only have an hour because I should be doing homework, and none of them really call to me. So I thought I'd write about writing. Why? Because writers writing about writing is pretty much the essence of mental masturbation. Therefore all of you can stop reading right now, except for my husband, who is required to read everything I write. Feel free to email him your pity.
So I've been writing smut lately, as you all know. Slash, in fact. And it's great fun. Except when it isn't. Sometimes the characters are having a conversation or are about to get it on, and it's a race to get to pen and paper or to a booted-up computer before I forget everything. They whisper in my head softly-softly, but full-blown scenes, which I have to remember when it comes time for my hands to form words with whatever medium. I've often wanted a hand-held cassette recorder to talk into when I drive, because that's when I think best, but when I had one, I never used it. The muse only comes when he can taunt me with the possibility of forgetting every brilliant thing he's said.
So anyway, I'm writing smut. And I've been talking about it a lot on-line. First, let me apologize - I don't mean to be a tease (not like this anyway) because I do fully intent to remain somewhat anonymous. There are several reasons for this, but mostly it comes down to the fact that I so truly loathe being asked "So is that really what you do in bed/fantasize about/think men do to each other/turns you on/etc.?" It's fiction writing, people, not autobiography (which would hardly be the 100% accurate truth anyway). And I don't want any of it getting back to work or my parents or people I know in non-smut-acceptable settings.
So why do I talk about it so much? Well, first of all, while I'm decent at keeping other people's secrets, I SUCK at keeping my own. See, I used to be a shy little person who never told anyone anything. And then after years of struggling, the floodgates burst and now I feel practically compelled to answer any question put to me as honestly as possible, no matter how inappropriate. And I can't even keep from bring up things that I really don't want to talk about - weight issues, sex problems, therapy, parental problems, you name it. I made myself be an open book and now I can't keep the fucking covers closed to save my life.
I also talk about it a lot because it's a new experience for me; I've never done anything like this before. "Oh please," you say, "what about 'Release'?" Well, ok. But that is honest-to-goodness the only other fiction that I've ever written AND completed. And it was only seven pages, single spaced. And it took me eight months to write it. As compared to the current piece, which is over ninety pages single-spaced, and took me five months to write. And last week I wrote another fifteen-page piece. And yesterday I wrote three pages of a new piece.
Never in my life have I been so prolific.
What on earth is inspiring me? I have no idea, but I must say that thinking of men getting it on does make me happy. And I find writing smut to be liberating in a way that other writing just isn't. While I do want it to be good and interesting and well-written… I feel a lot less pressure. So what if it sucks? It's just smut! Not only that' it's FANFICTION, the lowest common denominator in the entire writing world! It's not real writing! I can't fuck it up!
You have no idea how liberating that is. How I revel in it. How free I feel. No matter how bad I am at it, a) no one will know that it's me and b) I swear to god I've read something worse. Things that make me cringe. Things that are so painful, I can't make myself read more than a few paragraphs. It feeds my ego to know that I can't possibly be the worst out there, while simultaneously offering me the safety of knowing that even if I am, it still doesn't count.
So I apologize for talking about it incessantly, and I don't mean to be teasing anyone by talking about it and then not wanting to share what or where it is. Honestly. It's just new and exhilarating and fun. Plus, it's quite the adrenaline rush to be writing most of it in my office during work hours.
And anyway, it's all just practice for the real thing: writing scripts for porno movies!