Rating the Funnies
Funnies, comics, cartoons; call them what you will, they're a constant feature of the daily newspaper. The San Francisco Chronicle is doing a poll of comics. I'm not entirely sure why, but I certainly hope it's because they're considering pruning them back and getting rid of the ones that I think suck. In that vein, I filled out the poll, but alas, my honesty got the better of me and I answered that I do in fact read several comics, even though I don't like them. I mean, I'll read the directions on the shaving cream can in the bathroom; I'm hardly a discriminating reader. What they should have done was ask for a detailed feedback description of my thoughts on each comic strip. Since they didn't, you'll all have to suffer through it. The comics poll asks if you read the strip every day, occasionally, or never. I actually only read the newspaper about every Sunday, and maybe once during the rest of the week. I think they put the list in order of the way the comics appear, and I'm too lazy to reorder their list, so here goes.
Doonsbury - Doonsbury is always really funny to me about five years after the fact. I'm almost never politically aware of current events enough to "get" what's going on, but I like that it exists and I think it's got the right attitude, so I said I read it every day.
For Better Or For Worse - I used to really love it. But then the kids got old and boring and they had to go and kill Farley and have a 3rd kid because the other two weren't young and cute anymore. But they did have one of Mike's friends come out as gay, and for that I'm still happy. So I said occasionally.
Sally Forth - Sometimes it's average middle-American humor, but sometime it tickles me. Plus, I really like the snippy daughter. So I said I always read it.
Luann - The fact that a 40-something guy writes an insipid comic about a 13-year-old girl really bothers me for some reason. Plus, Luann is dumb. And the strip is dumb. I always read it, but I never laugh. And I laugh at everything. Including the "Got milk?" commercials. Every time. So I said I never read it.
Foxtrot - I love the nerdy protagonist. Not enough to remember his name, but still. For a family comic, it's probably my favorite. I said I always read it.
Zits - A teenager who is actually somewhat like how I remember teenagers being! Although it's a bit frightening that I now relate a bit more to the parents, I still admire the honesty of this strip, and its ability to make me cringe in sympathy with the main characters in embarrassing situations.
Cathy - Just die already! God I hate Cathy. I've hated Cathy forever. She's supposed to be an enlightened feminist, but then she spends every strip agonizing about her diet and inability to find the right shoes. But I still always read it. But I said I only occasionally did. I should have said never. I want it to GO AWAY.
Sylvia - She fits more the feminist model for me, but I'm still a bit confused by it. Sometimes I get this strip, sometimes I don't. Either way, I like the curlicues in the script handwriting, so I said I always read it.
Dilbert - I love it. I always read it. It makes me want to quit my job forever. (Then again, what doesn't?) I can't imagine the technology industry without Dilbert.
Zippy - I hate this strip. I don't get it. It's one of the few I actually do not even bother to let my eyes stop and skim, because I never get it and I don't like things I don't get. Never never never. Please make it go away.
The Boondocks - I like this one because it's not afraid to be unpopular and say things that aren't politically correct. I'm so glad the artist is syndicated. Makes me very hopeful that the rest of the world might eventually get a clue.
Rhymes With Orange - I love this strip. It's amusing, it's sarcastic, it hits my funny bone. I love it. I always read it.
The Fusco Brothers - I always read this strip. I never am amused by it. I just don't think it's funny. It tries, but it's just dumb. I said I read it sometimes, but I should have said I never read it, since I'd like it to go away.
Non Sequitur - I love this trip too. Obvious Man is my favorite. I always read this one.
Sherman's Lagoon - I know this is a dumb comic. But I love it. It just hits my funny bone. I always read it. First, even, on the Sunday paper.
Get Fuzzy - This one is relatively new to me, and I haven't read enough of it to be able to tell much other than it seems somewhat like "Mutts" with a bit more of an edge. No opinion so far.
The Piranha Club - Sometimes I find it funny; more often I find it middle-American average humor. I said I read it occasionally.
Mutts - I want to not read it, but I do. Sometimes it's ok. Mostly it's middle-American crap. Middle-Americana in the wholesome, family approved, my grandmother would like it, people in Ohio might put it up in their offices kind of way.
Dennis the Menace -- Die Die Die. This stopped being funny when I turned TEN, for fuck's sake. Who reads this? Who is amused by it? If you can read, IT'S NOT FUNNY. If you can't read, YOU CAN'T READ THE COMICS. Get rid of it! Please!
Mr. Boffo -- Another one of those that hits my funny bone. There are more than I thought, it seems. Well, I have a slutty funny bone.
Blondie -- Dude, the 1920s have passed. Blondie got a job and stopped being a gold-digger, Dagwood's job isn't funny anymore, there's no social commentary going on. It's always been there on the funny pages, so it's still there, like an ENBALMED CORPSE. Get rid of it!
Beetle Bailey - Military humor for people who lived through World War Two! Please, kill me before I read this strip again!
Hagar the Horrible - If this was ever funny, it's long passed out of that stage. Please please, someone get rid of these comics that have been around for 50 years and stopped being funny before I was born!
The Wizard of Id - Sometimes, this is still funny. Or maybe some days I'm just more easily amused than others. I gave it an occasionally.
Spider Man - Despite Spidey's girlfriend occasionally being scantily clad, I don't read serial comics. Ever. I hate them. If you like them, buy them from the comic book store, damnit.
Baby Blues - I liked this at first, when it was young parents with two small babies. I still read it, but it's just not as funny as it once seemed. So I said occasionally. There are just too many family-humor strips.
Curtis - Dude, I don't know what generation this artist is living in, but this is just about the dumbest strip ever. Yes, having black people in comics is a good thing. But Jesus, do they have to be from the same family of humor as the Cosby show? I said I read it occasionally, but I should have said never.
Garfield - As a kid, I was a big Garfield freak. So I still read it. But it's just not funny. I don't know what it stopped, but it's been the same old crap with about 10 jokes for the last 10 or more years. It should go away.
Classic Peanuts - Ok, I'm going to just come out with it - when Charles Shultz died, they should have stopped this strip. It wasn't funny anymore, and everyone's read everything once already, and Christ, if you like the Peanuts so much, buy one of the books and read that. Are they going to run it forever? Will it be the year 2509 and the newspapers will still be running this strip? Get it out of here! Talk about another embalmed corpse!
Marmaduke - I don't even deign to say anything more about this than "see Dennis the Menace."
Family Circus -- Frankly, I'm offended that this strip is still around; its God-laden, wholesomeness just chaps my hide. I want it gone.
That's Life - this one is new to me, but it seems to be filling the void of the Far Side, and it seems ok.
Bizarro - Another sarcastic, warped strip. I like this one a lot. I said I read it every day.
Wow, that's a lot of comics. Mostly I just want the ones where the original artists are DEAD to GO AWAY. And some of the more insipid family ones to go away too. Frankly, everything I want to read could easily be on one page in the daily paper, and that would make it a lot easier for me to not be offended by all the stupid shit. So I have said; make it so!